SELF-PITY

SELF-PITY: FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF -- WALLOWING IN MY SORROWS -- MAGNIFYING MY TROUBLES.

1. Do I ever think that I'm the only one in the world who has real troubles?

2. Do I blame my parents, or my boss, or "the world" because I had a bad start?

3. Do I think that I'm the only one who "never gets the breaks"?

4. Do I ever think that if I had more money or greater position that I would have been a big success?

5. Do I blame others for my own weakness?

6. Do I run others down so that I can build up my own feeling of importance?

7. Do I lack sympathy for others when they have trouble?

8. Do I lack real feeling and understanding for others who show a weakness?

9. Do I withdraw from the world, relishing self-pity in my loneliness?

10. Do I think that "nobody understands me"? Do I understand me?

11. Do I think God has deserted me? Or did I desert Him?

12. Do I use my self-pity as an excuse for all my shortcomings?

13. What am I going to do with my self-pity?

14. How will I have the love and honesty to overcome the temptation to self- pity and blaming others?

Well this is the last part of step four. Very thorough, don't you think? It sure helped me in how I see myself.

On to step five tomorrow!!



WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 9210



Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

FEAR

This part put me to my knees. At one time in my life fear crippled me! I was afraid of everything. Driving on the road, thunderstorms, people, death. I guess the fear of death was the crippling part. I would be driving down the road and pull way over towards the ditch in order to let the cars coming at me go by. I would come home from work and check out my house, (every closet, under the bed, and back through the rooms I just checked)looking for the boogie man. I would go to sleep trembling and afraid to fall asleep in case I died in my sleep. I was totally neurotic. And this was in sobriety. (AND I drove a 40 foot bus)! I guess drinking used to ease the fear for the moment. When I started the 12 steps, two years into my sobriety, it dawned on me that I had no Faith whatsoever. I heard there was a God, and about Jesus, but I never really studied that or went to Church. I always felt "lesser than" to go to Church because I came from an alcoholic family and drank wild in my young single years. I felt people judging me and looking down at me. I really do believe that was all in my head now. When I did my third step and finally gave myself to God, the fears left me. Truthfully, when I did give myself to God the first time ever, I was petrified that He would kill me or make me do some things I didn't want to do. Nothing was further than the truth!! Nothing. My life has been an exciting ride since then. I wholly trust in God to make my major decisions for me. What He gives me is what I need, not want. Every night when I go to bed I give myself to God, saying "my life is Yours please help me be the Christian you want me to be, and help me be the employee my boss wants me to be". Then I pray for my friends that are lost and my friends that are sick, praying for His will be done.
I never go to Him with a shopping list any more. He knows what I want and He gives me what I NEED. I still have a little fear of retirement coming up in 3 and a half years but I know He will take care of me. I just have to have Faith for that.
Life is SOOOOO much better now and I look forward to my time in Heaven when that times comes. I pray all my friends could feel the peace and hope of eternity I feel with Jesus in my heart.

Here is the next to last of step four:

FEAR: DREAD -- GLOOMY PESSIMISM -- LACK OF TRUST IN GOD.
1. Do I now understand that to "fear God" is to hold Him in high respect, in awe, in wonder?

2. Do I doubt God's ability to care for me?

3. Do I fear death? Why?

4. Am I afraid my past is "catching up to me"?

5. Do I imagine all sorts of terrible things will happen tomorrow? Or next week or next year?

6. Am I afraid because I am still relying on my own strength, my own will, my own efforts?

7. Do I really trust God to take care of today?

8. Am I willing to put tomorrow in the hands of God?

9. Have I tried living 24 hours at a time, as A.A. suggests we do?

10. Am I dragging around my "yesterdays" -- my past failures and sins? Is this why I am afraid?

11. Am I afraid that I will also fail tomorrow, unable to cope with what will happen?

12. Do I know how to surrender myself to God?

13. Have I really surrendered myself to the hands of God, confident that He can and does care for me? Or am I afraid to? Why?

14. What am I going to do with my fear?

15. How can I trust God enough to face each day with confidence and without fear?

PHONINESS

PHONINESS: FALSE PRIDE -- LYING -- ARROGANT DISHONESTY -- A FALSE FRONT.

1. Have I done things for my family or friends to cover up a feeling of failure?

2. Do I give things to my family or friends to make up for past failures?

3. Am I too concerned about the impression I'll make on strangers?

4. Am I always trying to make an impression on my friends?

5. Do I try to use a fancy vocabulary, fancy clothes, fancy manners to cover up my feelings of inferiority?

6. Do I try pretend to be a great philosopher and moralist in my talk without living the principles that I say?

7. Have I been a hypocrite in practicing my A.A. program?

8. Do I try to "con" my family? My friends?

9. Do I even try to "con" God?

10. Do I lie to cover up my failures?

11. Have I begun to believe my phoniness and alibis?

12. Do I run down others just to build up my ego and image?

13. What am I going to do with my phoniness?

14. How can I have the honesty and openness to avoid phoniness?


Two more to go then we move on to step five!

INDIFFERENCE

INDIFFERENCE: NOT CARING ABOUT RIGHT OR WRONG -- NOT CARING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR WELFARE -- NOT CARING ABOUT GOD AND HIS WILL

1. Am I indifferent to the needs of my family? Of friends? Of strangers?

2. Am I indifferent to the desires of my family? Of friends? Of strangers?

3. Am I indifferent to the feelings of other people?

4. Do I try to understand and sympathize with others?

5. Do I try to understand the needs of others?

6. Do I try to do something about the needs of others?

7. Am I indifferent to others so I won't risk being hurt?

8. Am I concerned with the troubles of my city and my country and the world?

9. Do I shrug off these troubles assuming that someone else will do some¬thing about them?

10. Do I start and end each day by thanking God? Or do I take things for granted?

11. Do I expect God to provide for me every day? Why should He?

12. Do I think "I've done my share" in serving God and A.A.?

13. Am I indifferent to God so I won't have to commit myself to His will?

14. Do I go against God's will rather than offend some human?

15. How often do I show gratitude for the love and forgiveness of God?

16. Do I share with others how great God's love has been for me?

17. Do I deserve God's love? Why?

18. Do I pout and "throw a fit" if God doesn't do what I want?

19. What am I going to do with my indifference?

20. How will I have love and concern to overcome the temptation to be indifferent and uncaring?

I have been so much of a people pleaser all my life, so this was actually easy for me!

Lust

LUST: ADULTERY -- SINFUL SEXUAL APPETITE -- DIRTY SEXUAL THOUGHTS AND WORDS

1. Do I daily remember that my body is the home of God?

2. Have I dirtied God's home with lust?

3. Do I think about sex too much?

4. Do I talk about sex too much?

5. Do I use dirty pictures?

6. Do I tell and hear dirty stories?

7. Do I think my lust must be satisfied?

8. Am I homosexual? Do I really desire to have this changed?

(QUESTIONS 9 THROUGH 13 ARE FOR MARRIED PEOPLE)

9. Have I been faithful to my spouse?

10. If unfaithful, with whom? How often?

11. Do I always relate my sexual desires to my spouse, or do I relate those desires to some other man or woman?

12. Do I have secret lust for someone other than my spouse?

13. Is my sex life with my spouse a genuine expression of love or is it to satisfy my lust?

14. Have I engaged in sexual intercourse that has harmed others? With whom? How often?

15. Do I excuse my lust by calling it love?

16. Do I admire or envy acquaintances who do indulge in intercourse?

17. Do I excuse or treat lightly the sin of lust?

18. What am I going to do with my lusts?

19. How can I gain strength so I won't lust?

GREED

GREED:TO COVET OR DESIRE WHAT BELONGS TO OTHERS -- TO HAVE AN UNHEALTHY APPETITE FOR WEALTH OR MATERIAL POSSESSIONS -- TO HAVE A CONSTANT HUNGER FOR RICHES.

1. Are you really content with the things you have?

2. Are you constantly "running after" more and better things?

3. If you never have any more things or money than you have now (assuming the cost of living would remain the same), would you be content to live your life this way?

4. Does the "good life" mean having more things, more money?

5. Do you envy your neighbor if he gets a new car, new TV, etc.?

6. Do you give thanks to God for only the good things that you have?

7. What is your greatest material possession? Would you give that up if it meant helping a total stranger? Why?

8. Are you honestly concerned with doing something to help those who are less fortunate than you?

9. Do I give gladly or grudgingly to the work of God and A.A.?

10. Do I give gladly or grudgingly to other benevolent work that is done in our community?

11. Do I really think that God owes me luxuries, just because others may have them?

12. What am I going to do with my greed?

13. How will I maintain contentment and overcome the temptation of greed?

CONCEIT

CONCEIT: TO THINK TOO HIGHLY OF YOUR OWN ABILITIES -- TO OVER-RATE YOURSELF.

1. Do I insist on things being done my way?

2. Do I think that I am an "expert"? In what areas?

3. Do I think I can manage most things better than those in charge?

4. Am I constantly critical of the boss? The police? Other authorities?

5. Am I impatient with people who do not meet my standards?

6. Do I meet my own standards?

7. Do I consider myself better than anyone else? Whom?

8. Have I the ability to discipline myself?

9. Do I realize I am giving God orders when I damn someone or something?

10. Do I treat God as a "nobody" because I use His name loosely, without thinking or caring?

11. Do I give God orders in my prayers?

12. Do I think God's will must match my will?

13. Do I think I can benefit from God's blessing even though I'm too lazy or conceited to maintain conscious contact with Him?
14. Do I accept behavior in myself that I would not tolerate in others?

15. Do I think too highly of my judgment or am I willing to listen to the opinions of others?

16. Do I trust God completely or do I count on Him only when I'm in trou¬ble?

17. Is my life unmanageable without the power of God?

18. How conceited am I?

19. Do I criticize myself and others continually?

20. Do I lack faith in God because I fail to see the purpose and newness of life God offers me?

21. What am I going to do with my conceit?


22. How will I have the strength to overcome the temptation of conceit?

RESENTMENT, ANGER, PREJUDICE, MURDER

RESENTMENT, ANGER, PREJUDICE, MURDER

RESENTMENT: To hold bad feelings against anyone – To remember how others have hurt us – To desire retribution on those who hurt us – To judge others harshly – To want revenge.
ANGER OR HATRED: To desire harm for others – The opposite of wanting good things or a good life for others – Bitterness.
PREJUDICE: To automatically pre-judge others as being inferior – To feel superior to others who are “different”.

1. With whom am I angry?

2. Do I blame others for trouble I made for myself? Whom? Why?

3. Whom do I wish to hurt because I feel they have hurt me?

4. Am I in spiritual shape to pray: "Forgive me...as I forgive those who trespass against me"?

5. Do I say that I forgive but still hold resentments? Against whom?


6. Do I honestly try to forgive others for their past offenses?

7. Am I honestly happy when the offender changes for the good?

8. Do I resent people who "have me pegged" and try to help me?

9. Do I resent others who receive promotions, raises or praises?

10. Do I have contempt for anyone? Whom?

11. Am I prejudiced against people of other races and colors and classes?

12. How would I react if I were the object of my own prejudices?

13. Do I condemn someone for their wrongs without having a sincere desire that they change for the better? Whom?

14. Do I try to understand why other people are unkind or kind to me?

15. Do I try to understand why other people do things that are right or wrong?

16. Do I see that anger, resentment and prejudice are really a spiritual and mental form of murder?

17. Do I ask God for mercy while I deny it to someone else?

18. Do I believe that God will have mercy on me even though I don't think I deserve it?

19. Do I set conditions that others must fulfill before I will love them?

20. Do I demand results from others before I am willing to forgive them?

21. Does God set conditions for me (like being perfect) before He would forgive and love me?

22. What am I going to do with my angers, resentments, prejudices and murders?

23. How will I have strength and love so I won't be angry, judge, condemn or resent others?

STEP FOUR -- A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY (Cont.)

STEP FOUR -- A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY (Cont.)

1. What is a character defect?

2. Are you aware that character defects are acquired? How?

3. Why do you need to make a searching and fearless moral inventory?

4. How did Steps One, Two and Three prepare you for Step Four?

5. Make a list of the acquired character defects that you are aware of at this point.

6. In each section that follows, you must be completely honest or you're wasting your time. This is your searching and fearless moral inventory. Under each question, attempt to start with specific things you have done and said. List as many things under each question as will help you to convince yourself that you have acquired this defect. The answers to these questions are to be brief.

For example:

The response to question # 1 under RESENTMENT, ANGER, PREJUDICE AND MURDER might be:

With whom am I angry?

a) my wife -- she doesn't do the things I want her to do.

b) my boss -- he is not paying me enough.

c) Joe -- a friend to whom I loaned money and didn't pay me back. Remember, you are after the acquired defects. The more THOR¬OUGH you are in digging out these defects, the more program will be built on bedrock instead of sand. Go after your enemy -- the false self.

(Note: Go through the following pages and then return to #7.)

7. Now make a list of any additional acquired defects of character that did not appear in question # 6. Using this list, detail how, when and in just what instances these defects controlled your life.


8. Compile a list of all the people, institutions or principles that you have a resentment against.

9. How do you feel, right now, about the uncovering and discovering of these acquired defects?

10. Do you feel that you have done a thorough and honest search for these defects?

11. Now write a summary of how you picture yourself. Include both your positive points (assets) and the negative points (liabilities).



SELF-CENTEREDNESS
SELF-CENTEREDNESS: PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST -- THINKING THAT EVERYTHING HAS TO SUIT YOU –
FEELING THAT YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE IN THE WORLD.

1. Do I act as if the world revolved around my welfare and desires? How?

2. As a parent, do I use my family to suit my needs and desires? How?

3. What are some ways that I put myself before my spouse and children? Before friends?

4. Do I spend money for myself and put off buying things the family needs or desires?

5. Do I insist on doing things I like to do, or am I willing to do things others enjoy?

6. Do I buy things for others in order to win their affection?

7. Do I do things with my family or others to keep myself in the lime¬light?

8. If someone doesn't make a fuss over me, are my feelings easily hurt?

9. If others don't give me special attention in a group, do I feel snubbed?

10. How have I used my friends for my advantage or my satisfaction?

11. Do I honestly believe God is the center of all life, all people and all things?

12. Or do I think and act as if I were the center of life, the center of all people and things?

13. Do I expect God to cater to my desires?

14. Do I play God?


15. Do I try to excuse my failures by saying: "I can't help it"?

16. Do I expect God to lower His perfect standards because I don't meet those standards?

17. Do I truly admit I need God's power to carry me through this day?

18. Am I still willing to let God run my life?

19. Who or what is most important to me?

20. Do I realize that God must be most important to me?

21. Am I self-centered? Or do I honestly want God to be first in my life?

22. Am I self-centered? Or do I put others before myself?

23. What am I going to do with my self-centeredness?

24. How will I find strength and support so I won't be self-centered?

Summer Solstice

Today is Summer Solstice marking the longest day of the year (for daylight). 23 years ago today I had the worlds worst hangover and it happened to be my last.

It has been a long road, sometimes hard sometimes easy, but during that time I never let alcohol be an option. There were times last year that tested my strength when my brother was dying of cancer. I hurt all over with my arthritis, fibromyalgia and all over PAIN. Stress brings that on. Not to mention the pain inside me that just wanted to be numb. I went to some meetings and told them I wanted to be numb. I don't want to feel pain anymore!! The doctor did give me some vicadin to ease the pain some. I have addictive behavior so that scared me. I only took it on Friday nights after the long week at work. I stayed away from meetings because I just wanted to isolate and relax in my house away from everything! I do not advise that to anyone. It was too easy to stay away from meetings. I still take the vicadin but not like an addict would. I need to relieve the pain sometimes. It wears a body down living with pain. Some people would say I should change my AA date if I take pain pills. Bullshit on that folks, I did not take a drink. The doctor says take 1-2 every 4 hours. I take 1-2 on Friday nights period. Try living with all this pain. no, don't.

Anyway, I went to the "AA Birthday Chip night" on Friday and picked up my 23 year chip. There were about 40 people there and alot of people reflected on how I helped them in their sobriety. It was very humbling. I now realize I need to go to those meetings to help others, not just for me!

I have the philosophy "If it ain't fun, I'm outa here"! That means AA meetings too! Life can be fun without drugs or alcohol. In fact if you laugh alot it loosens up the endorphins in you that releases morphine from your body which makes you feel giddy. Exercise does that too!!

so laugh, people! Laugh!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

STEP FOUR -- BRIEF GUIDE

Now that we did step three and gave our will & our life over to the care of God, we get into the real "Working" of the steps. We dig down deep into our pasts and find the good and the bad and write it down! Lock it up so only your eyes can see.
This is a very cleansing process here. Be totally honest with yourself. this is for you and you alone!!
~Phyllis~

STEP FOUR -- BRIEF GUIDE

"MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES."
(From the Big Book)

1. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory.

2. We searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.

3. RESENTMENT is the "number one" offender.

4. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

5. In dealing with RESENTMENTS, we set them on paper:
a) We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry.
b) We asked ourselves why we were angry.
c) On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries.

6. We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

7. It is plain that a life which includes deep RESENTMENT leads only to futility and unhappiness.

8. This business of RESENTMENT is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.

9. If We were to live, we had to be free of ANGER.

10. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.

11. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

12. We resolutely looked for our own mistakes.

13. The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.


14. We reviewed our FEARS thoroughly.

15. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves.

16. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us do.

17. We reviewed our own conduct over the years past.

18. We subjected each relation to this test -- was it selfish or not?

19. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we
believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink.
20. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others.

21. If we have been THOROUGH and HONEST about our personal inventory, we have written a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.

(From the 12 by 12)


1. Our desires for sex, material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us. When thus out of joint, man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is.

2. Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct.

3. The object of the Fourth Step:

a) Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us has been, and are.

b) We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us.

c) We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves.

d) By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction.

4. Without a willing and persistent effort, there can be little sobriety or contentment for us.


5. Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.

6. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe misdirected instincts, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.

7. Our present anxieties and trouble, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people -- people who really need a moral inventory.

8. As soon as he begins to be more objective, the newcomer can fearlessly, rather than fearfully, look at his own defective thinking.

9. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.

10. First of all, we had to admit that we had many of these defects, even though such discoveries were painful and humiliating.

11. When taking an inventory, each of us will need to determine what his individual character defects are.

12. To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings -- the Seven Deadly Sins of PRIDE, GREED, LUST, ANGER, GLUTTONY, ENVY and SLOTH.

13. PRIDE, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or unconscious FEARS, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress.

14. When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and social standing becomes the sole object of our lives, then PRIDE steps in to justify our excesses.

15. FEAR, a soul-sickness in its own right, generates more character defects.

16. Since Step Four is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, it can be suggested that:

a) We look at those personal flaws which are acutely troublesome and fairly obvious.

b) We might make a rough survey of our conduct with respect to our primary instincts for sex, security, and society.
c) We ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble.

17. The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self- pity, and depression.

18. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.


19. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.

20. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.

21. THOROUGHNESS and HONESTY ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection, it is wise to write out our questions and answers. it will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal. It will be the first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.


"MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES."

In the previous three steps, we have built, for ourselves, a beginning foundation in this program of recovery. In Step One, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and recognized that our lives have been, are now, and will remain unmanageable by us alone. Step Two made us aware that we could be restored to sanity by a Higher Power (God as we understood Him) if we rightly relate ourselves to that Higher Power. The Third Step convinced us that we have no choice but to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.

At this point, we should be convinced that our handling of our past has led to frustration, broken relationships, anger toward ourselves and other people, and resentments. Since alcohol is but a symptom, we now have to get down to the causes and conditions of why self-centeredness, in all its various destructive forms, has been the root of our troubles. Thus, we are face to face with the Fourth Step.

The Fourth Step allows us to uncover and discover the acquired charac¬ter defects which are part of the false self. These defects are NOT a part of the real you (the True Inner Self). The false self (the phony you) has picked them up from other people, institutions and society in general. Usually we are not aware of when and from whom these defects were acquired. It is important that you become aware of the fact -- that these defects of character are acquired. Only when you detach yourself from these acquired defects can you start to uncover and discover, in a fear-less manner, these acquired character defects that have controlled you in the past.

These acquired character defects are misdirected instincts. These instincts often far exceed their proper functions. Our excessive desires for sex, material and emotional security, and for an important place in society, desires which by their very nature can never be fulfilled, cause us practically all the trouble there is.

Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdi¬rected instincts. Whenever we become a battleground for the instincts, there can be no peace. Every time we impose our instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows. These defects lock us into responding in a certain way, usually destructive, to those around us. So in order for us to live happy lives, we must uncover and discover these acquired defects of character.


At this point, we should have arrived at the following conclusions: the acquired character defects have been the primary cause of our drinking and our failure at life; we must now be willing to work hard at the elimi¬nation of the worst of these defects or both sobriety and peace of mind will elude us; and that all the faulty foundation of our life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock.

Since the Fourth Step is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, we should first have a look at those personal flaws which are acutely trouble¬some and fairly obvious. Using our judgment, we make a rough survey of our conduct with respect to our primary instincts for sex, security, and socie¬ty. With sex, we uncover how the selfish pursuit of sex damaged other people and ourselves. In the area of security, we question the financial and emotional insecurities that have led to financial instability, and the personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble. In terms of society, we insisted upon either dominating the people we knew or we depended upon them far too much.

Thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking our inventory. The object is to search out the flaws in the false self which caused our fail¬ure. Being convinced that the false self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we will find some of the following acquired character defects in our inventory: SELF-CENTEREDNESS, RESENTMENT, ANGER, PREJUDICE, CONCEIT, GREED, LUST, INDIFFERENCE, PHONINESS, FEAR, PRIDE, FINANCIAL INSECURITY, DEPENDENCE, DOMINATION, EMOTIONAL INSECURITY, DISHONESTY, PROCRASTINATION, PERFECTIONISM, IMPATIENCE and others that might apply.

These acquired character defects (misdirected instincts) will balk at our uncovering and discovering them. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions. The thinking mind may come up with some of the following false thoughts: any serious defects have been caused chiefly by our drinking; our problems have been caused by the behavior of other people; the defects are us; justifying the need for defects in order to continue living; and a half-hearted inventory is O.K. In order for us to combat these false thoughts, we must know that the character defects are indeed acquired and are NOT a part of the True Self.

In summary, the Fourth Step asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We are seeking to uncover the hidden acquired defects of character that are a part of the false self. After we have found them, then we discover our faults by listing them. We place them before us in black and white. We must have courage to honestly do this. Faith can do for us what we can not do for ourselves.

The purpose of writing the Fourth Step is to make us aware of the acquired character defects. As we list and analyze these defects, we will begin to comprehend their futility and their fatality. The written invento¬ry will be used as a basis in Steps Five through Nine.

Go through the following examples and be as honest and specific as you are able to at this time. This is your inventory. You are about to uncover and discover the acquired character defects, so do it in a thorough and fear-less manner. Your very life may depend on the thoroughness of this step.

RECOMMENDED READING:


1) Alcoholics Anonymous, (big book), chapter 5, p. 64, par. 1 to the end
of chapter 5.
2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Four.




HAVE FUN!!!

My Reflections on Step Three

As I had a wild and crazy past, giving myself to a "Higher Power" was a difficult decision. I had my doubts on what exactly that meant. I realize that I was held accountable for everything I did and was responsible for everything I am going to do. So giving my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him was very very difficult.
I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous an agnostic. I didn't think there could be a God if there were horrible things happening in the world, and of the horrible things in my past. I asked for help from a clergyman (Priest) when I had my stillborn son in 1970 and was turned away. I realize now that I was mad at the person and what he represented, and not at God.
When I finally grasped the concept of giving my will to God, things got alot easier for me. I really "came to believe". My fears left me. I woke up one morning realizing that I did not cry myself to sleep the night before. I used to go to bed in fear of dying. I was paralized with the fear of dying. I had a black hole in my chest that I walked around with.
Total paralizing fear of everything.
I now pray about it and give it to God. If I get it, then it was meant to be. If I didn't get it, so what? Don't worry myself over something I cannot change. Live with the results and accept the things I cannot change!
Many times God has put a curve in the road in front of me making me walk through that path and guess what? His will was much better than what my will wanted. Imagine that!
Life is so much easier giving my worries to God. He is my friend now. I talk with Him by my side all the time. I am never, ever alone. I thank Him daily for what He has given me and for what He hasn't given me.
I love my life now. I hardly ever cry any more unless it is for the pain for someone I love. I pray everyone can find the peace I feel within me.
Next week we will start step 4!! Mwahahahaha

The rest of Step Three

"MADE A DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUR LIVES OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD
AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM."

In the preceding steps, we were engaged in reflection. In Step One, we saw that we were, are now, and will remain powerless over alcohol. Also in Step One we came to recognize that our lives have been, are now, and will remain unmanageable by us alone. Step Two made us aware that we could be restored to sanity by a Power greater than ourselves if we rightly relate ourselves to this Power. These conclusions did not require action; they required only acceptance. At this point, we should have accepted the unman¬ageability and insanity of our lives.

The first requirement in doing Step Three is that we become convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Obviously, the first two steps show, in no uncertain terms, the confusion caused by using self-will (self-will is part of the acquired false self). Self-will in¬cludes selfishness --self-centeredness. This self-centeredness is the root of our troubles. So our troubles are basically of our own making. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us. We found that we could not reduce the self-centeredness much by wishing or relying on our own power. Thus, we had to quit playing God. It did not work.

Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God into our lives. The key that will allow God to enter our lives once again is willingness. The thinking mind and its self-will may block the entry of God into our lives again, as it frequently does. However, the key of will¬ingness will open the door.


The thinking mind, using instinct and logic to bolster egotism, would have us believe that, if we turn our will and our life over to the care of God, we become nothing. The truth is -- the more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. There¬fore, dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit.

Step Three asks us to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. This decision can only be made by us. All by ourselves, being convinced that self-will has ruined our lives, we need to develop the quality of willingness. By becoming willing, we now can make the decision to exert ourselves. Doing this is an act of our own will. Remember, all of the steps require sustained and personal exertions to conform to their principles and to God's will.

The effectiveness of the whole A.A. program will rest upon how well and earnestly we try to come to "a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him". The other steps of the A.A. program can be practiced with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial. Thus, we try to make our will conform to God's so that we can begin to use it rightly.


Once we are convinced that we have no choice but to turn our will and our lives over to God, then it is easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In times of confusion, we pause quietly and say:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."

The purpose of writing the Third Step is to help us to "make a deci¬sion to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we under¬stand Him".

Go through the following examples and be as honest and specific as you are able to at this time. Give specific examples and situations from your own life.
YOU ARE IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING A DECISION.





STEP THREE -- COMING TO A DECISION

1. Are you aware that drinking and problems in your life are a result of
the acquired thinking mind?

2. In what way does Step Three call for action on your part?

3. Have you blocked God from your life? Give examples.

4. Explain your understanding of God at this point in the program.


5. What do you think your self-will is? List some ways it has caused
havoc and ruin in your life.

6. "Dependence on God is really a means of gaining true independence."
What does that mean to you?

7. What does the "Serenity Prayer" as found on p. 42 of the Twelve &
Twelve mean to you?

8. How did Steps One and Two prepare you for Step Three?

9. Do you feel that you are now truly willing to turn your will and life
over to the care of God as you understand Him? Explain.

10. What action are you going to take to live Step Three?

11. Now using the Prayer as found on p.63 of the Big Book, take this spir-
itual step with an understanding person.

MAKE THE DECISION DAILY !!!

WITH LOVE
The Top of The Hill Group

Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

STEP THREE

STEP THREE -- BRIEF GUIDE

"MADE A DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUR LIVES OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD
AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM."
(From Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions)

1. Practicing of Step Three is like the opening of a locked door. There is
only one key, and it is called willingness.

2. Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that
we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God
into our lives.

3. The effectiveness of the whole A.A. program will rest upon how well and
earnestly we have tried to come to "a decision to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of God as we understood Him".

4. The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more
independent we actually are. Therefore dependence is really a means of
gaining true independence of the spirit.

5. So it is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been
driven to A.A., have admitted defeat, have acquired the rudiments of
faith, and now want to make a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to a Higher Power. That one is God to me. No other.
6. Other steps of the A.A. program can be practiced with success only when
Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial.

7. All of the Twelve Steps require sustained and personal exertion to
conform to their principles and so, we trust to God's will.

8. It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to
use it rightly.

9. Our whole trouble has been the misuse of will power. We had tried to
bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into
agreement with God's intention for us.

10. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause and
simply say:


"God GRANT me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will,
not mine,
be done."
Amen

(From the Big Book)

1. The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on
self-will can hardly be a success.

2. Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our
troubles. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.

3. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We
must, or it kills us! God makes this possible.

4. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or
trying with our own power. We had to have God's help. This is the how
and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't
work.

5. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going
to be our Director.

6. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoy piece of mind, as we discov-
ered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of his
presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the here-
after.

7. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him:

"God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.
May I do Thy will always!"
8. We found it very desirable to take this spiritual step with an under-
standing person.


RECOMMENDED READING:

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 5 - p.60 (after ABCs) thru
p.63, 3rd paragraph.

2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Three.

I'll let you absorb this for a few days then I will post the working part of step three.

Step two summary

When I walked through the doors of alcoholics anonymous I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I believed in God and Jesus but I never had them "in my life". I just knew they were there. I had my doubts from time to time. When I had my stillborn in 1970 a priest turned his back on me when I asked for help. He was in the hospital room praying over a gal and her husband that just experienced a miscarriage. I was a single gal 21 years old so I must've been a harlot in his eyes. I asked him if he could pray with me and he said no and left. It made me feel so filthy and worthless. I continued on my drinking rampage for 17 more years.
When I surrendered to AA I was told I needed to "work the steps". It took me two years to get serious about the steps, but I finally got to it. It was easy until I got to step three. Giving my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. Whew! Giving up my will? How the heck can I do that?

We will get to step three in a day or two.

A few people have emailed me asking about these steps so I do know you are reading them. This is a free gift, and quite valuable if you work them! Do yourself a favor!

SECOND STEP GUIDE (Cont.)

In Step One, we first made the admission that we were, are now, and will remain powerless over alcohol, which implies , in no uncertain terms, that we have an obsession to drink and an allergy of the body that leads to either death or insanity. Secondly and more importantly, we came to recog¬nize that our lives have been, are now, and will remain unmanageable by us alone. This conviction that we are alcoholics and that our lives are unman¬ageable by us alone leads us naturally into Step Two.

Once again, Step Two can be viewed as having two aspects. The first aspect concerns the beginning of our spiritual development, which is the foundation of the A.A. program. Since we recognized that our lives have been, are now, and will remain unmanageable by us alone (having completed a thorough Step One), we must now come to grips with the fact that we need a new Manager, as the old one (the thinking mind, with its acquired defects of character) led us into the depths of deep despair, self-centeredness, loneliness, and an apartness from our True Self. We found that the thinking mind could not solve our problems. Thus the conclusion that we must start to find a new Manager of our life (a Power greater than ourselves) is paramount if we want to become happy, positive and loving as we are meant to be.

We came to believe -- that a Power exists which is greater than our¬selves -- and this belief is absolutely necessary if we are to honestly complete the remaining ten steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. At this point, all you really need is a truly open mind. (Twelve Steps & Twelve Tradi¬tions)

Thus, Step Two can become the springboard on which we can begin the journey toward spiritual awakening. Remember, all that is needed is will¬ingness, open-mindedness and rigorous honesty.

The second aspect of Step Two concerns sanity. "Sanity" involves living sanely. Since this step is about the restoration of sanity, how can this occur? We may not relate with "soundness of mind", but we surely can identify with insanity as being unsoundness of mind. (Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions) The True Self is sane, whereas the false self (the thinker with its acquired character defects) has not usually been an example of sane living. The problem facing us then is, how can we regain the sanity which is the True Self? By eliminating the acquired insane ways of living, we are left with the True Self and its sanity.


Step Two, properly approached, worked, and lived, will start the beginning of the end of our old life, and the beginning of our emergence into a new life. (Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions)


The purpose of writing the second step is to help us become aware of the acquired, destructive thinking that has wrecked our lives.




It may seem "nuts" doing all of this but keep on a-goin'.....

Go through the following examples and be as honest and specific as you are able to at this time. Give specific examples and situations from your own life. You are after the destructive, acquired character defects.


SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY

Answer the questions below specifically. Indicate how you are trying to understand your spiritual history or lack of it.

1. Have you ever believed that the thinking mind is all-powerful and that
it could solve all your problems?

2. Have you ever considered yourself to be an atheist or agnostic? If so, describe why.

3. Have you ever rejected organized religion? If so, what were your rea¬sons for doing so?

4. Did you at any time, consider the idea that a Power greater than your¬self might exist? If so, describe the attributes of that Power.


CURRENT SPIRITUAL ATTITUDES

Answer the questions below as honestly as you are able to at this point. Remember, this Power, greater than yourself, is your own concept. All that you really need is willingness and a truly open mind.

1. Are any of the following roadblocks -- to coming to believe -- present in your life? (a) indifference, (b) fancied self-sufficiency, (c) prejudice and (d) defiance.

2. A.A. and its suggested twelve steps have a spiritual foundation. What does this mean to you?

3. What do you consider the most important thing in your life today?

4. Do you doubt the existence of a Power greater than yourself? Explain.

5. What is your mental image of God?

6. Does a Power greater than yourself play a part in your daily life?



RESTORATION TOWARDS SANITY


"Sanity" is defined as "soundness of mind". (Twelve Steps & Twelve Tradi¬tions, p.33) What we are concerned with now, is becoming aware of the old patterns of insane thinking (the reactions toward people, places and things that caused havoc in our lives). Answer the questions below honestly and with a truly open mind. Remember, insanity is not a part of your True Self. Insanity exists in the acquired false self, which is not a part of the real you, so dig deep!

1. Do you have any fears in your life today? (fear of people, emotional insecurity, financial insecurity, etc.) List these fears.

2. Can you recognize self-centeredness in your life? If so, give examples.

3. Do you believe "The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than his body"? (Alcoholics Anonymous [big book], p.23) Why or why not?

4. What areas of your life do you feel that you have little or no control over? (family, job, A.A., spiritual or emotional) Why do you feel that you have little or no control over these areas?

5. Describe how the following feelings or attitudes got you into trouble:
(a) anger, (b) resentment, (c) jealousy, and (d) pride

6. Do you consider yourself to be a positive person? In what areas of your life are you positive?

7. Do you consider yourself as being a negative person? In what areas of your life are you negative?

8. What is your idea of the false self (the old self with its acquired defects of character that attempts to control your life)?

9. What do you think is your True Self and how do you find it?

10. Do you believe that a Power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity? How?

11. How am I going to live Step Two -- "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." -- in my life on a daily basis.

12. Write a summary or "picture" of yourself as you see yourself now (your good and bad points). Remember, the good points (assets) are the real you, and the bad points (liabilities) are the false you.

DO IT NOW..... FOR YOU !!!

WITH LOVE from the
Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101

Shared with love, Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

STEP TWO -- BRIEF OUTLINE

CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES
COULD RESTORE US TO SANITY.
1. None but a Higher Power can remove our obsession (acquired defects of character and the controlling old thinking mind).

2. Step Two is the beginning of the end of our old life (old ways of thinking -- false self), and the beginning of our emergence into a new way of life (transformation of the false self through elimination and change of our old ways of thinking).

3. Prerequisites for Step Two:

a) Alcoholics Anonymous does not demand that we believe anything.

b) To get sober and stay sober, we don't have to swallow all of Step
Two right now.

c) All you really need is a truly open mind.

4. When we stop arguing over a Higher Power, Step Two will gently and very gradually begin to infiltrate our life.

5. The road blocks of indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance will, if we allow them, impede our progress in Step Two.

6. The dilemma of the wanderer from faith is that of profound confusion (the old thinking still controlling our lives).

7. Humility and intellect can be compatible, provided we place humility first (the thinker is meant to be God's servant, not our master).

8. Remember, winners are always positive, and losers negative.

9. Defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic (so it's not strange that we have defied God also).

10. At few times had we asked what God's will was for us; instead we had been telling God what it ought to be.

11. Belief means reliance, not defiance.


12. We supposed we had humility when really we hadn't.

13. We remained self-deceived (praying, if we did, for our wishes instead of "Thy will be done") and so incapable of receiving enough Grace to restore us to sanity.

14. "Sanity" is defined as "soundness of mind". Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, can claim "soundness of mind" for himself.


15. True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith which is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to God.

16. The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.

17. Lack of power is our dilemma. We need to find a power by which we can live, and it has to be a Power greater than ourselves.

18. We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and ex¬press even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results.

19. Self-sufficiency can not solve all our problems (the thinker can get us into situations but cannot get us out of them).




RECOMMENDED READING:

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), Chapter 4 & chapter 5 through p.63, 1st
paragraph.

2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Two.

3) Came To Believe.

Part two of step two coming in a day or two.....

Step one on health...

I am powerless over my aging and health process, and my life has become unmanageable.

1. Age I realized my health was failing. How did I feel?I was about 47 years old and feeling the pain of arthritis slowing me down quite a bit. Then I was packed for camping and had severe abdominal cramps, and went to the doctor. He told me I had diverticulitis and was putting me in the hospital. I refused because I was going camping and was all packed up. He told me to only eat protein and stay away from roughage, and to come in if I felt worse. So I ate steak that weekend.
2. Age & circumstance of loss of control What happened, How did I feel?
I was 48 and had a physical. The doctor told me I had high blood pressure and high triclycerides. I started my walking routine again and went vegetarian for 6 months and had another physical. Triglycerides went through the roof, and the doctor told me I was becoming Diabetic, and it was not my fault. (family genes). I went on medications, and it got worse, then went on insulin.

3. Growing preoccupation: Thinking, planning, Were you preoccupied with your health? Did your health start to get in the way of your other activities? What and how?
I was not feeling well, tired all the time, in pain all the time, my breathing was getting worse. I quit planning campouts because it wore me out too much, the weekends were for catching up on rest, and vacations were to sleep in daily (still are). My work was tiring me out, it was all I could do just to make it through the week. When I went anywhere, I planned ahead where I would park because it was hard to walk to and from large parking lots. My health was affecting my entire life.

1. What is your present physical condition? Is it what you want it to be? Can you manage your own body? When did you last have a physical? Dental checkup? Are you willing to improve your nutrition?
My health sucks! I cannot manage my own body. I get check ups all the time, keep my dental check ups and my teeth are fine. I try to eat healthy & less whenever possible.

2. Emotional and feeling life:

a) What is your self-image? Do you think you can manage yourself into being the person you want to be? What self image? ZERO!!

b) Try to see behavior patterns of unmanageability -- suppressing your feelings setting unrealistic expectations and goals for yourself and others. Setting yourself up to fail -- perfectionism. Irresponsibility, procrastination, harboring resentments, self pity, grandiose beliefs, guilt, anger.I feel all of that.

3. Spiritual life: Are you aware that you may be "spiritually bankrupt"? -- paranoid, suspicious, resentful, envious, untrusting, fearful, greedy, withdrawn, self-centered? I have a deep Faith, that is what gets me through each day. Feeling God in my life and giving Him my life every night. I try not to feel sorry for myself, I am grateful for all I have. I am thankful that I have what I have, and not MS or anything else worse. I am accepting what I have and trying to live with it.


4. Social and family life: How has your health affected your family? Well this is a family affair. My sister has all that I have only worse.

5. Occupational life: How are you handling your present job? Your career? I am getting by one day at a time. My job has been good to me. I go to work and give it my all while I am there, and come home and collapse.

In Summary: I AM CONVINCED THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER MY HEALTH AND THAT MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM POWERLESS? Give it to GOD

Step Two tomorrow

Okay, here is some of my answers...

1. Age and circumstances of first drink -- how did you feel?
As a toddler, I would go around emptying the drinks left on tables from my parents visitors. People actually left drinks? That just isn't right!!

2. Age and circumstances of first loss of control -- what happened? How
did you feel?
The first I remember is on Pennington Hill (before houses) with Linda, Carol, Cheryl and me. We drank warm beer through a straw. I remember very little of that night.

3. Age when you were first concerned about your drinking -- what if anything did you do about it?
I was 19. I worked at the Seagull Restaurant and would oversleep and be late for work. Helen fired me then hired me back. This went on for a while. I did nothing about this.

4. Others who have been concerned about your drinking -- Who? When? Why? Okay, now this is getting personal. My boss, and everyone around me was getting concerned. Mostly Barry. He was a guy that I knew from the restaurant. His mom and my mom were drinking buddies. He was against people getting drunk because of his mom.

No more personal answers from me here or I won't be honest. But you get the idea. Write your answers on your own computer and save them for your eyes only. If there is a part of the questions you want to share, by all means share it! You might help someone else by it.

Be honest with yourself.

Love ya, Phyllis

Step One

Everyone can benefit from working the 12 steps. Before Alcoholics Anonymous came along, the Oxford Group (a Christian group) had these steps. When Bill Wilson became sober he was searching for "tools" to keep sober and help others. He came upon the Oxford group through a fellow drunk and a dear friend. They rewrote them and inserted the word Alcohol for their benefit.

Are you powerless over something? Other people in your lives, eating disorder, work issues, your past, abuse issues, anything? Then come along with me and work these steps. I am going to go slow with these. Maybe a step a week or longer. You can work them at your own pace. They will always be here so you can come back to them and start out where you left off. Copy and paste them into your word program and keep them. They were given to me by one of my sponsors. Candy Smith, she got them from "The Top of the Hill Group" from California.

I am going to work these steps on my aging, and health issues. I am powerless over the process of aging, and I have some disabling aflictions. Diabetes, obesity, arthritis, Diverticulitis, Fibromyalgia, C.O.P.D., ADHD, OCD, depression, E-I-E-I-O etc! There are some things I can change in my life that will help me to live with these. The doctor told me that this does not need to be a death sentence. HMPPPFH!! What the heck does he know, he is 6'5" and skinny!

The depression I understand. I am actually mourning my youth. Youth meaning my forties. I was very active then. I was camping, in the Fire Department, working on the ambulance, working at Island Transit, Walking three miles after work, eating healthy mostly vegetarian. Then I turned 48 and WHAM!! Diverticulitis, then Diabetes, also the arthritis.
Along with the medications, came the weight gain. I gained 100 pounds when I went on insulin! It happens to alot of people. Not everyone, but of course I had to be one of them! Diabetes runs in my family. My dad had it, his uncle, my sister, my brother was on metformin so he was coming down with it, so there was no escaping it. My doctor said it is not my fault. That still doesn't help me feel better about myself.

Sooo, I quit drinking when I was 38 years old, June 21, 1987. Keeping busy and full of energy helped me stay sober. I have had my moments when sobriety was at risk. My mom died, my dad died, my brother got cancer and took a year and a half to die a long excrutiating death. Alcohol is no longer an option. If I don't focus myself it could very easy become an option and that would be the end of me!

So here we go. Open up Word document and copy and paste the step and get to work!! The answers are for you alone. No one needs to read it. If you have questions, email me and I can help.

phyllisbrett1@comcast.net

Hold on folks, here we go!!

REMEMBER, REPLACE THE WORD ALCOHOL WITH THE PROBLEM YOU ARE WORKING ON.

FIRST STEP GUIDE
"ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL
-- THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE".

Step One consists of two distinct parts: (1) the admission that we have a mental obsession to drink alcohol(Smoke) and this allergy of the body will lead us to the brink of death or insanity, and (2) the admission that our lives have been, are now, and will remain unmanageable by us alone.

The first half of the first step -- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- is the beginning of the A.A. program which we strive to perfect on a daily basis. Since drinking is but a symptom of our disease, we must realize that the thinking mind with its acquired traits, habits and character defects allowed us to develop this obsession of the mind -- to drink. "By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression." (Twelve & Twelve)

This idea of personal powerlessness goes against what the thinking mind is telling us. Only through utter defeat (having hit our own bottom) are we then able to take the first step toward liberation and strength. This utter defeat is necessary so we can become convinced, beyond any doubt, that we are powerless and our life is unmanageable by us alone. Until we so humble ourselves (accept the devastating weaknesses and all their consequences), our sobriety -- if any -- will be precarious.

The fact that our lives were unmanageable is apparent, else why would we be involved in A.A.? However, it is not readily apparent to most of us that, even now, our lives are still unmanageable by us alone. This fact must be driven home. This realization, within our lives on a daily basis -- that we can not manage our own lives -- forms the basis for taking each of the twelve steps of A.A. in sequence.

In the process of accepting our powerlessness and unmanageability, we must be willing to put aside pride, the pride which nearly killed us. Although the doing of Step One can be painful, the road to recovery begins with surrender.

The facts of your life are just that -- facts. It is not the purpose of this step to judge where you have been right or wrong. Therefore, the purpose of writing out the first step is to admit to yourself honestly that you are powerless and your life is unmanageable by you alone.

Go through the following examples and be as honest and specific as you can. Give specific examples and situations from your own life. Write down the facts -- what, where, when, how much -- as they have occurred in your life. Try to see in your life how your disease has progressed.



DO IT NOW!!!


Addiction History: Answer the questions below specifically -- dates, amounts, places, feelings, etc.

1. Age and circumstances of first drink -- how did you feel?

2. Age and circumstances of first loss of control -- what happened? How
did you feel?

3. Age when you were first concerned about your drinking -- what if anything did you do about it?

4. Others who have been concerned about your drinking -- Who? When? Why?

5. What feelings did you get from drinking? When did you not obtain those feelings? How did you feel then? How much did you drink regularly? What was your longest period of abstinence and how did you accomplish this?

Powerlessness: At some point in your history you became alcoholic, became powerless over alcohol, a mood altering chemical. It happened over a period of time. Define the process as it happened to you by answering the questions below. You will discover how your disease affected you and changed you so that you compromised your basic values.

1. What did you drink, how much, how often? How and when did this change as time went on?

2. Growing tolerance: Did it take more to make you feel good? Did it finally take more just to make you feel normal? Did you gulp drinks? Order stiffer drinks? Protect your supply? Hide your supply -- at home, in the car, at your job? What hangover symptoms did you have?

3. Growing preoccupation: Thinking, planning, or scheming how to drink or set up situations to drink. Were you preoccupied with drinking even when sober? Did drinking start to get in the way of your other activities? What and how? (Daytimes, vacations, increased drinking time) Did your other activities then start to get in the way of your drinking? Did you increase your drinking during times of stress? (Job/family/personal) Did you begin to drink at particular times more regularly? (After work, weekends, before going to bed, before leaving the house, morning drinking)

4. What accidents were caused by your drinking? What dangerous situations did your drinking get you into?

5. How and when did you attempt to cut down, or control your use of alcohol? How did you feel as a result of your attempts to control or stop your drinking?

Keep going!

6. Loss of Control: You used alcohol and then it started to use you! That's when you lost control. Give specific examples on each of the following:

a) Family: Broken promises, drunken embarrassing behavior in front of your family, sacrificing family for your drinking, money for drinking, physical and verbal abuse of yourself and your family.

b) Legal: Drunk driving, drunk and disorderly, divorce, jail, bankruptcy, theft, etc.

c) Social: Loss of friends/hobbies/community activities? Problems with sexuality?

d) Job: Were you absent? Lose promotions? Were you fired from your job(s) or threatened with it? Did you quit your job(s) due to your drinking? What were the impacts of going to work hungover? Or drinking while at work?

e) Physical: Were you hospitalized, or told by your doctor to cut down on your drinking? Were you using alcohol and/or other drugs as a medicine to sleep or relieve stress? What were your withdrawal symptoms? Did you have blackouts?

Unmanageability: drinking or not, your ENTIRE LIFE begun to show signs of your disease. The harder you tried to "manage", the worse it became. Give examples of how your life has been and is now unmanageable.

1. What is your present physical condition? Is it what you want it to be? Can you manage your own body? When did you last have a physical? Dental checkup? Are you willing to improve your nutrition?

2. Emotional and feeling life:

a) What is your self-image? Do you think you can manage yourself into being the person you want to be?

b) Try to see behavior patterns of unmanageability -- suppressing your feelings (with or without alcohol), setting unrealistic expectations and goals for yourself and others. Setting yourself up to fail -- perfectionism. Irresponsibility, procrastination, harboring resentments, self pity, grandiose beliefs, guilt, anger.

c) Are you aware that your drinking caused you to blame others for your problems? What special problems do you think caused you to drink? (of course, nothing can make us drink-- but what was your delusion?)

3. Spiritual life: Are you aware that you may be "spiritually bankrupt"? -- paranoid, suspicious, resentful, envious, untrusting, fearful, greedy, withdrawn, self-centered?


4. Social and family life: How has your drinking affected your family? How is your communication with your family? How much time do you spend with any of your family members? How do you feel about that?

5. Occupational life: How are you handling your present job? Other jobs you've had? Your career? Your education?

6. Financial matters: Give examples of your irresponsibility with money -- borrowing money, writing bad checks, misuse of credit cards, not paying your bills on time, whatever applies to you.


In Summary:

ARE YOU CONVINCED THAT YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND THAT YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE, EVEN WHEN SOBER?

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM POWERLESS?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY LIFE IS UMNANAGEABLE BY ME?

WITH LOVE,

from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101


Shared with love, Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987