Saturday, July 03, 2010


This part put me to my knees. At one time in my life fear crippled me! I was afraid of everything. Driving on the road, thunderstorms, people, death. I guess the fear of death was the crippling part. I would be driving down the road and pull way over towards the ditch in order to let the cars coming at me go by. I would come home from work and check out my house, (every closet, under the bed, and back through the rooms I just checked)looking for the boogie man. I would go to sleep trembling and afraid to fall asleep in case I died in my sleep. I was totally neurotic. And this was in sobriety. (AND I drove a 40 foot bus)! I guess drinking used to ease the fear for the moment. When I started the 12 steps, two years into my sobriety, it dawned on me that I had no Faith whatsoever. I heard there was a God, and about Jesus, but I never really studied that or went to Church. I always felt "lesser than" to go to Church because I came from an alcoholic family and drank wild in my young single years. I felt people judging me and looking down at me. I really do believe that was all in my head now. When I did my third step and finally gave myself to God, the fears left me. Truthfully, when I did give myself to God the first time ever, I was petrified that He would kill me or make me do some things I didn't want to do. Nothing was further than the truth!! Nothing. My life has been an exciting ride since then. I wholly trust in God to make my major decisions for me. What He gives me is what I need, not want. Every night when I go to bed I give myself to God, saying "my life is Yours please help me be the Christian you want me to be, and help me be the employee my boss wants me to be". Then I pray for my friends that are lost and my friends that are sick, praying for His will be done.
I never go to Him with a shopping list any more. He knows what I want and He gives me what I NEED. I still have a little fear of retirement coming up in 3 and a half years but I know He will take care of me. I just have to have Faith for that.
Life is SOOOOO much better now and I look forward to my time in Heaven when that times comes. I pray all my friends could feel the peace and hope of eternity I feel with Jesus in my heart.

Here is the next to last of step four:

1. Do I now understand that to "fear God" is to hold Him in high respect, in awe, in wonder?

2. Do I doubt God's ability to care for me?

3. Do I fear death? Why?

4. Am I afraid my past is "catching up to me"?

5. Do I imagine all sorts of terrible things will happen tomorrow? Or next week or next year?

6. Am I afraid because I am still relying on my own strength, my own will, my own efforts?

7. Do I really trust God to take care of today?

8. Am I willing to put tomorrow in the hands of God?

9. Have I tried living 24 hours at a time, as A.A. suggests we do?

10. Am I dragging around my "yesterdays" -- my past failures and sins? Is this why I am afraid?

11. Am I afraid that I will also fail tomorrow, unable to cope with what will happen?

12. Do I know how to surrender myself to God?

13. Have I really surrendered myself to the hands of God, confident that He can and does care for me? Or am I afraid to? Why?

14. What am I going to do with my fear?

15. How can I trust God enough to face each day with confidence and without fear?

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