Monday, June 14, 2010

My Reflections on Step Three

As I had a wild and crazy past, giving myself to a "Higher Power" was a difficult decision. I had my doubts on what exactly that meant. I realize that I was held accountable for everything I did and was responsible for everything I am going to do. So giving my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him was very very difficult.
I came through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous an agnostic. I didn't think there could be a God if there were horrible things happening in the world, and of the horrible things in my past. I asked for help from a clergyman (Priest) when I had my stillborn son in 1970 and was turned away. I realize now that I was mad at the person and what he represented, and not at God.
When I finally grasped the concept of giving my will to God, things got alot easier for me. I really "came to believe". My fears left me. I woke up one morning realizing that I did not cry myself to sleep the night before. I used to go to bed in fear of dying. I was paralized with the fear of dying. I had a black hole in my chest that I walked around with.
Total paralizing fear of everything.
I now pray about it and give it to God. If I get it, then it was meant to be. If I didn't get it, so what? Don't worry myself over something I cannot change. Live with the results and accept the things I cannot change!
Many times God has put a curve in the road in front of me making me walk through that path and guess what? His will was much better than what my will wanted. Imagine that!
Life is so much easier giving my worries to God. He is my friend now. I talk with Him by my side all the time. I am never, ever alone. I thank Him daily for what He has given me and for what He hasn't given me.
I love my life now. I hardly ever cry any more unless it is for the pain for someone I love. I pray everyone can find the peace I feel within me.
Next week we will start step 4!! Mwahahahaha

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