Monday, July 26, 2004

Chapter 41....1993

In January I went to Doc Z’s office to pick up a letter of recommendation I asked him to write for me.  He saw me and asked why I was there, and I told him.  He said don’t leave your mother is on the way here.  I asked why, and he said she was at her doctor for a hurt back and he found a huge tumor on her breast!  I knew she had a lump because when I had my first lump removed a year ago she told me she had one too.  I told her to get to her doctor and thought nothing else of it!  Last month when I went back for the other lump removal she told me again about her lump, and I told her she better go have it checked!!  She has always been big breasted and she sits around the house in her chair wearing loose fitting muumuu’s, so I never really noticed anything different about her.  She had not been drinking for the past 10 months and I was very proud of her but on New Years she got drunk and fell in the kitchen.  It was because of that fall that she had so much pain in her back.  She finally went to the doctor around January 20th for the pain.
Doc Z asked me to stay in the office when mom & dad came in.  Mom saw me and started crying, (so did dad).  Her and I have always had this strange ESP going on.  Doc Z had mom lay down on the table and I was shocked!!  Her breast was sticking up like there was a football in it!!  It was a HUGE lump!!  Why she let it go that long was beyond me!!  Fear? Yes.  Suicide? Yes. Escape from a depressing existence? Yes.  My mother was such a depressed woman and I wish I could’ve helped her but I couldn’t!!  Any way, Doc Z admitted her in the hospital and operated right away!  He did a mastectomy and came in the waiting room to tell us that mom was ridden with cancer and probably, maybe have a year at the most, maybe 6 months.  My sister and I both got mad and said well she got what she wanted!!  Poor Doc was shocked at our response.  Mom was obsessed with Dr. Kevorkian and had his phone number in her book.  She was put in a room for a few days.  That night I was called and told to get to the hospital QUICK!  She was having a GI bleed!  (A bleeding ulcer).  Doc Z operated and she received about 43 units of blood.  Doc slept at the hospital that night to be there for her if she had another episode.  Mom was in a coma for a few days.  I cannot remember how long, maybe a week.  I would go hold her hand by the hours and then go to work, go back and hold her hand then go home to bed.  We were all there for her, my brother, my sister, & dad.  Our family sure grouped together and was there for her when she needed us! We would hold her hand and talk to her and cry over her, begging her to wake up.  I was there when my sister was crying and telling her she loved her.   Miraculously she came out of her coma.  I told her later that we were all there holding her hand and crying over her and I also told her what Mary Lou said!!  Mom smiled at that!!  She was put back on the floor in a room by herself.  I gave her the Prayer of Freedom.  I let go!

I free ___(you)____from my anxiety, from my personal idea of what constitutes happiness for you.  I trust the spirit of God in you, to guide you, to show you the way that is right for you, your highest good, the way that means happiness and success for you.

I place you lovingly in the hands of the Father.  I stand by in faith, I refrain from imposing my will on you.  You are God’s child.  You are here to fulfill your own purpose.  As close as I am to you, as much as I love you, I cannot live your life for you.  Your destiny, your place, your fulfillment is between you and God.

I know that we are one in God and that as I trust God in my life and trust Him in your life ALL WILL BE WELL!

I told her I loved her and I will not judge her for her choices, and I forgave her everything!!  We both cried together.
The next morning around 7 am (I cannot remember the exact time) I got a phone call telling me that mom died and to get to the hospital.  I got there and saw mom.  She looked about 10 years younger and there was no Stress at all on her face.  She really looked at peace. Now I know what they mean by they are “at Peace!!”
Now I know why she cried in October when I went on my trip!!

We did not have a service for her.  She didn’t want one.  She asked that her ashes be thrown at sea.  We told the funeral home that, and in May a Navy ship was leaving and they took her ashes and gave her a very nice burial at sea.  But they weren’t sprinkled, they were still in the plastic box with a flag draped over it.  They tipped the plank and the box plopped into the water.  They filmed the episode and gave us a copy of the tape.  I could just imagine mom inside that box screaming at all of us to come open that box!!  (She was claustrophobic!).  Why do I find humor in everything?  In May I was flown to Milwaukee for a Paratransit class that lasted a week.  It was a great class and perfect timing!!  We were just beginning Paratransit at Island Transit and I was to learn all I could about the Americans with Disabilities Act. (ADA).  We worked hard getting it all together and ready to go public.  We were the first Transit system in the State to be 100% ADA accessible.
In the Summer I got a letter from Kevin from Edmonton Alberta along with the Fire Department patch.  He called in September asking if he could come visit me while he was in the area.  I told him of course, and he could stay in my spare room.  He said I was invited to go to his area anytime and visit him too.  We decided to make it one big vacation.  He bought a new truck so I would be comfortable in it, and he drove down in 15 hours.  We toured Seattle and the area here for a week then we left and drove through Eastern Washington over to Glacier National Park in Montana, and up over the Highway to the Sun and into Canada and up through Alberta stopping at all the interesting spots and antique stores!!  Drumheller was fascinating!!  It was a canyon that dropped out of a flat terrain!  Much like the Grand Canyon.  It has dinosaur artifacts.  We also saw the HooDoos, funny little formations from clay.  We drove up to Cold Lake where he has a cabin, then back to Edmonton.  He lives about 4 blocks from the great West Edmonton Mall!!  I spent two entire days in there!!  Fantastic!!  He bought me a train ticket to Vancouver BC, and it went through Lake Louise and over the Rocky Mountains.  It was awesome!!  Wow!!  Two vacations in two years!!

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