This is too cool! A driver at work saw this doll in the hospital gift shop and thought OMG that's Phyllis!! So he bought it and brought it in for me. I saw it and thought "OMG it's ME as an old lady"!! WAH But then the more I looked at it, it tickled me that it really DOES look like me! And I have a red hat and red boa at home. And I have a brand spanking new PURPLE coat!! So the next day I wore them to work. We laughed all day!! One gal in Dispatch couldn't look at it because she saw an Alfred Hitchock movie about dolls that came to life and killed people. Well....I teased her all day with the doll. I would poke it around the corner at her, then hear her scream. Then I left it by her chair when she was on the phone. Heeheehee. Ok I'll stop. But what FUN!!

Now to the diet! I have officially lost 45 pounds as of Wednesday. I really would like to hit the 50 pound mark before the end of the year (2 weeks) but maybe not. I gave up beef, pork (except for ham) and butter in July. My cholesterol was 300. I just had a physical and it is down to 67!! Yes, 67!!!!

It is slow going, but I am sticking with it now. I plan my snacks. I take a sliced apple to work and at 10:00am I will eat half of it with cinnamon sprinkled on it. NUM! Eat lunch then at 2:00 I eat the rest of the apple. Then I have dinner. At bedtime I eat a banana with peanuit butter. NUM! Having Diabetes is a challenge because the Pancreas slows down the metabolism. But I have the rest of my life to work on this.
I look at the positive side...I get excited at what I CAN eat, not getting depressed on what I CAN'T eat.

35 Pounds!

Ok, my happy dance is slowing down, now we are to the waltz. It is going slower, but I am still losing. I hit the 35 pound mark now. I have quite a few more to go so it is going to slow down for a few weeks I'm sure. I want to get to the gym more. I started last week and boy did it HURT! My leg isn't quite ready for the treadmill yet but I am easing into it. 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there. The weights are the ones I really want to get going on. Build up muscle in my back and shoulders. I have Fibromyalgia so the pain seems to last longer than normal but I am getting there. The pool was great but I have a reaction to the chemicals in it. My sister thinks it is all in my head but she doesn't have to live with the ugly itchy burning rash on her face in the public eye at work either! Life is full of challenges, but I like a good challenge once in a while. I am having fun finding the foods I can eat. It is all about taste and not feeling hungry.
I love the apples this time of year. Honey Crisp right off the farm! crispy, sweet and juicy! With a chunk of extra sharp cheese. That is a meal in itself. Alot of salmon and chicken cooked in various ways. Thursday will be crockpot chicken soup before the Bible study. 8 of us gals meet every Thursday so I decided to have crockpot soup every week, as we all work and have no time to cook before the meeting.
Time to get ready for bed and another week of work!

30 Pounds Lost!

HAPPY DANCE!! I hit the 30 pounds lost mark this week!! I have been hard at it since July 22nd, so a little over two months. I feel great, and am excited about this new adventure in my life. I have to admit, the first few weeks is hard. VERY hard. Surrender...commit...obedience...count calories...count fat...count fiber...count points!

It can be VERY overwhelming at first until you get in the routine. I put everything on an excel spreadsheet so it is easier to go there and keep track. I also put my successful tasty recipes on there too.

I am using the priciples of Alcoholics Anonymous in this and going to weight watchers and also being very aware of my Diabetes. I love a challenge and this is challenging every day. If I cheat, it is me I am cheating, not another person. Unfortunately it shows on me if I don't lose weight. Another thing that keeps me on this....tell people!!! I tell everyone I am doing this and if I quit then they will look at me in disappointment or disgust and my ego will crash. After all, I am a people pleaser and hate people being disappointed in me.

Sherry, my sis-in-law shook her head at me and smiled and said "You are making this fun, aren't you"? Well yeah.....my motto in life is: If it ain't fun, I'm outa here!

The recipe this week that I fell in love with is: TA- DA:

Roasted Cauliflower!!

I cut a head of cauliflower into flowerettes, put them in a big baggie, pour 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil over it, fresh ground sea salt, fresh ground pepper, 2 tablespoons minced roasted garlic (In a jar) No, Mary Lou, don't throw the jar in the bag, just the 2 tablespoons of garlic. Shake it all up and pour onto a jelly roll cookie sheet or baking pan, sprinkle 1/2 cup of freshly grated parmesean cheese and drizzle balsalmic vinegar over it. Bake at 450 degrees for 25 minutes, then turn on the broiler for the last 5 minutes or so until it is crusty enough for you. (I like it really crusty). Total points for entire pan is about 9.....(Okay, I have to admit I ate the entire pan). But be very careful, the next day you and everyone around you will suffer. ahem.

Oh, by the way I hate to say pounds lost, because they seem to find their way back to you. I like to think of it as pounds discarded for good!!

Stray cats

I started feeding a mom and 3 kittens about three months ago now I have another mom and 3 kittens eating at my house along with about 6 neighbor's cats. I looked out the window today and found one of the kittens sleeping in an old planter on my fence, and another three sleeping on one of my lawn chairs. Two of them ran when they saw me come out. I can't help but feed them, they are wild, and it really pisses me off that people let their cats run loose and multiply then they say it isn't their cat, and leave them running wild. well the cats love me so much they stay near the house and I have no mice, and the cats go over the fence to use the dirt. (I have gravel). I am going to fix up a little shelter for them lined with carpet and a removable top to clean. When they get used to that and more comfortable with me I will trap them and take them to WAIF (the local shelter) and hgave them fixed.

Whew, a long weekend!

What a week! I spent most of it helping my 94 year old next door neighbor Florence, prepare and move into an assisted living facility. She has lived next door to me for 20 years, and she is like a mother to me. I think it has been harder on me than her daughters. Well maybe not, but it hasn't been easy. I wanted to take time off from work but there is too much going on with training, so I didn't. Florence moved on Monday. Her daughter came up from Oregon and stayed in Florence's house until this morning, then she went home. It's weird coming home and seeing the dark house, and not seeing Florence yelling "hi" to me. We talk alot on the phone, and I assured her that I will still go get her during storms and go to the beach and watch the waves wash up on the driftwood. I will still take her to the dollar store. I will visit her every Friday before my AA meeting. Maybe sometimes drag her along to the meeting with me. She likes that. If I see the northern lights I will call her and maybe drive into Oak Harbor and get her to see them with me. She is a joy.

Yesterday I went to my boss's house at 4:00am to babysit her three girls. 7, 10 & 11 year olds. I didn't get any sleep before going there so I was ready for a nap on the couch when I got there. The girls got up at 5:00am and entertained me. I fell asleep and they painted my fingernails a pea soup green. The little darlings! (I knew they were doing that so I played along). I got home at 3:00pm then made dinner for a friend then we went to Bible study at 7:00pm. I got home around 8:30 and got to bed at 10:00pm. I am ready for three days of SOLITUDE!!

My sister is mad at me because she wants us to go to her son's new wife's daughter's baby shower. I guess she is his step daughter. I don't even know her so I declined on going because I just need to take a rest. I am getting too old to burn the candle at both ends any more and work a fulltime job. They live in Bellingham and that is an hour and a half drive. She'll get over it.

Well it is 1:30am and I am just now winding down. Time to crochet for an hour or so then hit the hay and sleep until noon tomorrow! Ahhhhhh.

Still going to Weight Watchers...

Ok it has been a month and 1/2 since I joined Weight Watchers. I have officially lost 22 pounds. It has slowed way down but I feel tremendously better. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, my breathing has improved. I had a hard time (still do at times) getting rid of the butter and the red fatty meats. About twice a day I have a snack attack urge. I keep fresh fruit around for that, but I really would love to open up a can of vienna sausages and devour it! I bought a case of barbecue vienna sausages and a case of smoked vienna sausages a while back. The calories aren't bad, and the entire can is only 4 points, but it is junk food and bad for you. I keep them along with velveeta cheese and spam for my disaster supplies. They never go bad they are so full of preservatives!

I am really trying hard to keep it to fresh foods and not so much processed junk. I do not use sugar, I have honey for sweetening things. I do buy the Sandwich thins buns which are only 1 point or 100 calories each. I am not much of a bread eater, so it satisfies me. Instead of hamburger, I buy the frozen salmon patties from Costco, cook them up and use only 1 teaspoon of mayo, and some lowfat cheese and a big slice of beefsteak tomato. NUM!!

Another good meal is a frozen chicken with caramalized onion & gouda cheese patty from Costco, 1 ounce grated lowfat mozarella cheese, smothered with sauteed mushrooms & oions, and drizzle some Balsalmic glaze over it. NUM!

Sherry smiled at me and said I am having way too much fun with this. well I am. It is exciting trying new things and making it a challenge to keep it healthy and fat free and keep my blood sugars down. I am backing down from my insulin by about half!

I joined the local gym today. I went after the Weight Watchers meeting and got on the treadmill. I lasted 5 minutes. Okay, maybe tomorrow I can last ten minutes!

Baby steps here....baby steps. They have yoga classes, and Zumba colasses, and cardio classes. They are all held upstairs. That's my cardio right there, climbing up those stairs!!

Later folks!

Sticking with it!

I better update this. I started Weight Watchers July 11th. I got really serious about a week later, by counting, weighing, no snacking, brain washing myself. I am 11 pounds lighter. I know it isn't going to fall off over night. It did when I was younger but the older we get our metabolisms die and we do not lose weight as easy. In fact we eat less and gain more! The weight piled on me as Diabetes took over my life. I have alot of stress at work and I come home exhausted. I have three years until I retire.
Fast forward to now. I have finally surrendered and have commited myself to a healthier lifestyle. If I don't lose weight as fast as I want, oh well. I feel better and that is a plus. I am a protein addict. I don't eat alot of carbs, so giving up bread, pasta and potatoes was easy. I decided to give up red meat. Pork (except ham) and beef. I could bite a cow as it walks by me I love beef so much so I have to give it up. I would not trim off the fat (the best part). And BUTTER! and MAYONNAISE!! So I have taken the main fats out of my diet and sugars.
My blood sugars are down to 110-130 in the mornings and 87-110 in the evenings. That is good. normal is 75-110.
And guess what....I can breathe! My lungs are not inflamed like they were. My leg (I am having operated on in September) has improved. The crippling arthritis is not as bad. The inflamation in my body has gone down! I asked my doctor a month ago if I was eating something to make me so inflamed and prone to infections, and he said no. Well he was wrong. I googled "anti-inflamatory foods" and found a whole diet!! In fact Dr. weil has a good food pyramid that shows what is good for you. I am more or less keeping that in mind. I make my own "sweet tea" I simmer some fresh minced ginger for a half hour then add green tea bags let it steep and add honey or organic blue agave sweetener. It is great, and ginger is one of the best for anti-inflamatory foods, as is cinnamon, blueberries and cherries. Can you feel the excitement I am feeling? I knew some of this before, but it wasn't my time I guess. God has opened up a new door for me so I jumped through and am enjoying the ride!! I have to enjoy myself in anything I do. I am just waking up from a deep two year depression I didn't realize I was in. WHEW!! Thank you Lord!!
LOOK OUT WORLD, HERE I COME!!!! WHEEEEEEE!!!!

Well I am ready to talk about this.

The past few weeks...months I have not been feeling well at all and very depressed. I decided to turn myself over to God totally and prayed for His guidance to do something about my weight and overall health. I have been praying ALOT.

Well He answered through my small group Bible study gals. A gal that works with me came to me two weeks ago and told me her and another gal have been worried and want to help me. They said they love me and worry about my health and do not want to see me in a wheelchair, going on dialysis or having a stroke. They both joined weight watchers and are feeling great. They asked (begged) me to join too. I am very hesitant to do that because I do not want to be weighed in front of myself, much less anyone else. I went on-line and found I can do that on the internet and it is for my eyes only. Counting points!! Blecchkk! I HATE that! Writing down everything you eat! YUCK, I HATE that!! Count calories, fat content, fiber, points!! Discipline, discipline, discipline!! CRAP!

It is easy to quit smoking, you just don't smoke, period. Drinking too. Just don't drink, period. Eating is another story. Being diabetic is a double whammy. You are told to eat 5 small meals a day. to weigh the portions, to balance them, plan your meals. Eat this, eat that, don't eat this, don't eat that. You aren't eating enough calories to lose weight. WHAT?!
Your mind is full of food all day long!!
For the past two weeks I have been preparing my mind for this new lifestyle. Not a diet, a new lifestyle. I was appalled that they were selling snack foods at the weight watchers meeting I went to last Wednesday. (Oh yeah, I decided to go to the stupid meetings too). Why encourage snacks?

Well my blood sugars went from the 200's two weeks ago down to 115 this morning, 87 Wednesday afternoon. It has been gradual but getting there. I do believe the prayers are a big part of this. God has blessed our small group and has used each of us to help each other. They all want to lose weight too. We are encouraging each other. I feel better already. I don't feel as bloated as I was.

I spend most of my energy helping others and praying for them and have put myself up on a shelf. I guess now it is time for me to worry about myself and get to doing something about it! I didn't realized how much I am loved. What a blessing having each and every one of my sisters loving me and praying for me.

I am sorry to have put everyone in the spot to worry so much about me. (This is my amends). As you know I am a 12 stepper. I posted the twelve steps on my blog beginning May 16th and finished last week. It has helped me look at myself in a different light and concentrate on helping ME. Step one: I am powerless over my health:

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--(health)

That our lives had become unmanageable".

STEP TWELVE

"HAVING HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS THE RESULT OF THESE STEPS, WE TRIED TO CARRY THIS MESSAGE TO ALCOHOLICS, AND TO PRACTICE THESE PRINCIPLES IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS".

(From the 12 & 12)

1. The joy of living is the theme of A.A.'s Twelfth Step, and action is its key word.

2. Our Twelfth Step also says that as a result of PRACTICING ALL the steps, we have each found something called a spiritual awakening.

3. When a man or woman has a spiritual awakening, the most important meaning of it is that he now has become able to do, feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone.

4. He finds himself in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which he had thought himself quite incapable.

5. A.A.'s manner of making ready to receive this gift lives in the PRACTICE of the Twelve Steps in our program.

6. Even the newest of newcomers finds undreamed rewards as he tries to help his brother alcoholic, the one who is even blinder than he.

7. Other kinds of Twelfth Step work:

a) We sit in A.A. meetings and listen.
b) If our turn comes to speak at a meeting, we again try to carry A.A.'s message.
c) We can take on the unspectacular but important tasks of arranging for the coffee and cake after the meeting.

8. "Freely ye have received; freely give..." is the core of this part of Step Twelve.

9. We temporarily cease to grow because we feel satisfied that there is no need for ALL of A.A.'s Twelve Steps for us.

10. Our basic troubles are the same as everyone else's, but when an honest effort is made "to PRACTICE these principles in all our affairs", well grounded A.A.'s seem to have the ability, by God's grace, to take these troubles in stride and turn them into demon¬strations of faith.

11. But also like others, we often discover a greater challenge in the lesser and more continuous problems of life.

12. Our ANSWER IS in still more SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT.

13. As we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes toward our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions.

14. Either we had tried to play God and dominate those about us, or we had insisted on being overdependent upon them.

15. It became clear that if we were ever to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a "give-and-take basis"; we would have to develop the sense of being in partnership or brotherhood with all those around us.

16. When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself.

17. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care.

18. Prospective partners (whether A.A.'s or not) need to be long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking.

19. They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pres¬sures to cripple them.

20. Money gradually became our servant and not our master.

21. We found that freedom from fear was more important than freedom from want.

(From the Big Book)


1. Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure
immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.

2. If the alcoholic does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him.

3. Don't deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and
the family needs your help. Wait for the end of the spree, or at
least for a lucid interval.

4. If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him.

5. See your man alone, if possible.

6. If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady.

7. Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience.

8. If he is curious to know how you got well, tell him exactly what
happened to you!

9. Stress the spiritual feature freely. The main thing is that he be
willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he
lives by spiritual principles.

10. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and
unselfish, constructive action.

11. Call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and
knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink.

12. Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-
appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now
endeavoring to be helpful to him.

13. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which
requires discussion with other people.

14. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other
people ahead of his own.

15. You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit
any passion for crusade or reform.

16. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to
get well you will do anything to help.

17. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.

18. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. To spend too
much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy.

19. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.


20. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job, wife or no wife, we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

21. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get
well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in
God and clean house.

22. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon peo¬
ple. It is dependent upon his relationship with God.

23. Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress.

24. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live
in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circum¬
stances!

25. Our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we
have a legitimate reason for being there. But be sure you are on
solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in
going is thoroughly good.

26. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account.

27. Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpful¬ness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.

28. We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution.

29. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity.

30. After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), Chapter 7.

2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve.

TWELFTH STEP GUIDE


"HAVING HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS THE RESULT OF THESE STEPS, WE TRIED TO CARRY THIS MESSAGE TO ALCOHOLICS, AND TO PRACTICE THESE PRINCIPLES IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS".

If we have worked and lived the previous steps in a thorough and honest manner, then the following is apparent:

Step 1 -- We admit that we are powerless over not only alcohol but also others, and that our lives have been, are now and shall remain unmanageable by us alone.

Step 2 -- We are coming to believe that God can restore us to sanity as we rightly relate ourselves to Him.

Step 3 -- We make a daily decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God, as we understand Him.

Step 4 -- We made a searching and fear-less moral inventory of ourselves by uncovering the acquired character defects as well as our assets.

Step 5 -- We admitted to God, ourselves and another person the exact nature of our wrongs. We started to clean our house.

Step 6 -- We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character as we practice to correct them daily.

Step 7 -- We humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings as we became more aware of the fact -- "I, of myself, am nothing, the Father doeth the works"!

Step 8 -- We made a list of all those we had harmed, and became willing to make amends.

Step 9 -- We made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Finally, we put the past in the past!

Step 10 - We continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit it. Thus, we are cleaning up the wreckage of the present, NOW.

Step 11 - We are seeking through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact of God within and without by praying only for His guidance and the power to carry it out.

At this point in our recovery process, we must be practicing the first two maintenance steps, Steps Ten and Eleven, to the best of our ability. In addition, we constantly check to make sure that Steps One through Three are evident in our lives on a daily basis. If this is true, then we are ready for Step Twelve, the last maintenance step.


Step Twelve can easily be grouped into three areas. The first area concerns a spiritual awakening. The second asks us to carry this message to all alcoholics. The last suggests we practice these principles in all our affairs. What an order, but we can carry it out if we look at these three areas and what they mean.

The first portion of Step Twelve is -- "Having had a spiritual awakening as the RESULT of these steps,...". This implies, in no uncertain terms, that as a result of practicing all the steps, we have each found something called a spiritual awakening. This spiritual awakening, which has come slowly and sometimes painfully as we were living each step in sequence, is nothing more than a transformation to a new state of con¬sciousness and being. At this point, we find ourselves in possession of a degree of honesty, tolerance, unselfishness, peace of mind, and love of which we had thought ourselves incapable of attaining. In addition, we are now aware of the havoc that the false self has caused us and are now determined to keep the "thinking mind" in its proper role as our servant instead of our master. Each time that we gained deeper and deeper awareness of God's presence within, our consciousness was raised. This program asks for progress, not perfection. So we must now continue daily to realize a deeper awareness of God's presence within us, or we will once again sepa¬rate ourselves from Him. We are on a lifetime spiritual path. But at this point our spiritual growth is fragile and we should guard it closely. Seek truth and then live it. Truth shall set us free. Therefore, in order to allow this gift of a spiritual awakening to grow, we should look at the remainder of Step Twelve and find out what we should be doing.

The second part of Step Twelve is -- "... we tried to carry this message to alcoholics,...". As we carry the message to the next suffering alcoholic, this finally translates the Twelve Steps into action. In order for us to properly "twelve-step" other alcoholics, we should have a thor¬ough foundation of this program and make sure that our own recovery process is in order. The message we carry is one that shows how the Steps trans¬formed our lives --- from what we used to be like, to what happened, and how this transformation occurred. In other words, we must practice this pro¬gram daily before we can have a message to give away. Those of us who have done the Steps and are living them, are in a unique position to carry this message of hope with love, never forgetting that this program is a spiritual program, period!

Many A.A. members declare that no satisfaction has been deeper and no joy greater than in a twelfth step well done. The unconditional giving and helping of others to move from darkness into light, to see their lives filled with new purpose and meaning, and above all to watch these people awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives -- these things are the benefits that we receive as we carry the message. For those who are interested in "twelve-step" work, it is suggested that we (1) read the chapter on "Working With Others" in the Big Book; (2) become an apprentice of someone who does "twelve-stepping" regularly; and (3) remember -- "we carry the message, not the drunk".

There are other kinds of "twelfth step" work. We sit in A.A. meetings and listen, not only to receive, but to give the reassurance and support which our presence can bring. If called upon to speak, we again try to carry the message. We can also give of service to A.A. by making coffee, being a group secretary/treasurer, cleaning up and in general doing whatever the traditions suggest that needs to be done to keep A.A. together. Then there is always the need for competent sponsors in A.A. Sponsorship if approached rightly, can be a very rewarding experience. This is the ulti¬mate reward. "Freely have ye received; freely give..." is the core part of this part of Step Twelve.

The third part of Step Twelve -- "... and to practice these principals in all our affairs" -- is the final section of Step Twelve. The program of recovery that each of us has developed in the doing of the steps, means absolutely nothing if we do not PRACTICE these principles in all of our affairs. At this place in time, many things may be going well for us. BEWARE -- we temporarily cease to grow because we feel satisfied there is no need for ALL of A.A.'s Twelve Steps for us. Maybe we are doing fine on the first half of the First Step and that part of the Twelfth Step where we "carry the message". If this is the case, then we are "two-stepping". But, if we are again willing to receive from God that grace which can sustain and strengthen us in any catastrophe, then we switch from "two-stepping" back to "twelve-stepping".

Our troubles are the same as everyone else's, but when an honest effort is made "to practice these principles in all our affairs", well grounded A.A.'s seem to have the ability, by God's grace to take these troubles in stride and turn them into a demonstration of faith. If we find ourselves still challenged by the lesser and more continuous problems of life, our answer is still more spiritual development. As we grow spiritu¬ally, we find that the old ideas and negative thinking associated with the false self slowly disappear. So in order to grow, we must continue to practice the A.A. principles in all our affairs.

It is only by accepting and solving our problems that we can begin to get right with ourselves and with the world about us, and with Him who presides over us all. Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living; therefore, the joy of good living is the theme of A.A.'s Twelfth Step.

In summary, we have had a spiritual awakening, in some sense, by doing and living the previous eleven steps. If we have done our job thoroughly and honestly, then we will have a message to carry. In addition, if we have been practicing the steps as we completed them, and continue to do so, then it is easy to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The purpose of writing the Twelfth Step is to help us identify which areas of our own personal program need to be strengthened. In each of the three areas -- spiritual growth, carrying the message, and practicing the principles in all our affairs, we need to take a long hard look and see how they can be improved upon.

The following examples are to help you improve your program by recog¬nizing the areas that still need honest and thorough practice. Remember, your program of recovery does not end with the Twelfth Step --

IT IS JUST THE BEGINNING!



RECOMMENDED READING
1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), Chapter 7.
2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Twelve.

RIGHT ACTION TOWARD RIGHT LIVING

1. What does "Having had a spiritual awakening as a RESULT of these steps..." mean to you?

2. In what ways have you had a spiritual awakening?

3. Has your awareness of God's presence within increased since you have started to PRACTICE this program? How?

4. What does "... we tried to carry this message to alcoholics ..." mean to you?

5. What IS the message that you are trying to carry? In what ways are you carrying it?

6. What is meant by "two-stepping"?

7. What does "... to practice these principles in all our affairs" mean to you?

8. What are these principles that you should practice?

9. Why is PRACTICE so important to your continued spiritual growth?

10. If you are still having problems with life, what is the answer? Why?
(See the 12th Step in 12 & 12).

11. What is meant by "twelfth stepping"? How can you successfully do this?

12. Explain why you HAVE to stop fighting anybody or anything!

13. What does "Understanding is the key to right principles and attitudes, and right action is the key to good living..." mean to you?

14. Describe the "essence" of each of the twelve steps!

15. How does this program of recovery work?

16. Why does it work?

17. Now that you have finished doing the twelve steps once, how are you going to expand your program from this point on?


18. Has this program changed your life? In what ways?

19. Describe your view of yourself at this point.


BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD...



WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101

Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

STEP ELEVEN

"SOUGHT THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION TO IMPROVE OUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM, PRAYING ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE OF HIS WILL FOR US AND THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT".
(I practice this step DAILY! I hand myself to God and ask for His help to carry this step with me).
(From the 12 & 12)

1. Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with
God.
2. There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation,
and prayer.
3. As we have seen, self-searching is the means by which we bring new
vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of
our natures.
4. "Lord, make me a channel of thy peace --

that where there is HATRED, I may bring LOVE
that where there is WRONG, I may bring the spirit of FORGIVENESS
that where there is DISCORD, I may bring HARMONY
that where there is ERROR, I may bring TRUTH
that where there is DOUBT, I may bring FAITH
that where there is DESPAIR, I may bring HOPE
that where there is SHADOWS, I may bring LIGHT
that where there is SADNESS, I may bring JOY.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to COMFORT than to be comforted
to UNDERSTAND than to be understood to LOVE than to be loved.

For it is by SELF-FORGETTING that one finds. It is by FORGIVING that
one is forgiven. It is by DYING that one awakens to eternal life.
Amen."
5. As beginners in meditation, we might now reread this prayer several
times very slowly, savoring every word and trying to take in the deep
meaning of each phrase and idea.

6. Meditation helps to visualize our spiritual objective before we try to
move toward it.

7. Once more we read our prayer, and again try to see what its inner
essence is.

a) First of all, we want to become a "channel".

b) Then we ask for the grace to bring love, forgiveness, harmony, truth, faith, hope, light and joy to every human being we can.

c) Next comes the expression of an aspiration and a hope for our¬selves. This we would try to do by what we call self-forgetting.

8. Meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, but its object is always the same: to improve our con¬scious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom, and love.

9. Prayer is the raising of the heart and mind to God -- and in this sense it includes meditation.

10. We think that the whole range of our needs is well defined by that part of Step Eleven which says, "... knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out".

11. When making specific requests, it will be well to add to each one of them this qualification: "... if it be Thy will".

12. We ask simply that throughout the day God place in us the best under¬standing of His will that we can have for that day, and that we be given the grace by which we may carry it out.

13. At critical moments (emotional disturbances), if we remind ourselves that "it is better to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved", we will follow the intent of Step Eleven.

14. Quite often, however, the thoughts that SEEM to come from God are not answers at all. They prove to be well-intentioned unconscious rational¬izations!

15. Under such an illusion, we can create great havoc, without the least intending it.

16. We form ideas as to what we think God's will is for other people.

17. We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms.

18. All of us, without exception, pass through times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion of will.

19. Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of BELONGING that comes to us.

20. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs.

(From the Big Book)

1. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer.

2. When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.

3. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

4. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.

5. When facing indecision, we ask God for guidance. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle.

6. We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next action is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of most problems.

7. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make NO request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful NEVER to pray for our own selfish ends.

8. As we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.

9. We alcoholics are undisciplined, so we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chap. 6, p. 85, par. 4 to end of chap.6.
2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Eleven.


ELEVENTH STEP GUIDE

"SOUGHT THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION TO IMPROVE OUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM, PRAYING ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE OF HIS WILL FOR US AND THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT".

Step Ten, the first of the maintenance steps:

1) suggests taking a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it;
2) helps us to develop the habit of accurate self-appraisal; and
3) makes us aware of the necessity of admitting our wrongs, first to ourselves, and then to others when the admission would be helpful.

Also, we are starting to develop self-restraint and build character by spotting, admitting, and correcting the acquired defects of character. Step Ten is the beginning of a lifetime practice centered in the here and now.

Step Eleven, the second maintenance step, is also a NOW step. Previ¬ously, in Steps One through Three, we found that: 1) Our lives have been, are NOW, and will remain unmanageable by us alone, 2) God can restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him, and 3) We made a decision to daily turn our lives and our will over to His care. Since we alcoholics are undisciplined in almost all areas of our lives, we NOW must use prayer and meditation as the principal means of maintaining a conscious contact with God.

The first element of Step Eleven concerns itself with prayer and meditation as the principal means of improving our conscious contact with God. Meditation is the process that allows us to become closer to God and gain a deeper and deeper awareness of His presence within. In the begin¬ning, we use the prayer found on Pp. 101-102 from the 12 & 12. Rereading this prayer several times very slowly, we savor every word and take in the deep meaning of each phrase. We relax and breathe deeply of the spiritual atmosphere with which the grace of this prayer surrounds us. Let us still the thinking mind, gently, and allow ourselves to then focus undisturbed on the essence of this prayer. For example, being a "channel", asking for the grace to bring love, forgiveness, etc. to others; seeking to give comfort, understanding and love rather than receiving it; and trying to self-forget. Meditation is something that should always be further developed. The object of meditation is to improve our conscious contact with God, His grace, wisdom, and love.

Prayer is the raising of the heart and mind to God and is a form of meditation. Using meditation to open our channel, we ask for those right things of which we and others are in the greatest need. We may end the meditation period with a prayer in which we ask especially for freedom from self-will. We never pray for our own selfish ends. In the morning, we ask God to direct our thinking so that it may be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Throughout the day, we pause and ask for the right thought or action. At night, we constructively review our day and ask God's forgiveness and guidance. Remember, we are trying to the best of our willingness to improve our conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation.

The second element of Step Eleven suggests that we pray only for the knowledge of what His will is for us. Our immediate temptation will be to ask God for specific solutions to specific problems; however, this is asking God to do it OUR way. Since our purpose is to conform our will to His, we should ask only for the guidance to follow His will and leave our will out. If we do make specific requests, it would be well to add, "... if it be Thy will". In the beginning of this practice of asking for knowledge of His will for us, we must be aware that often the thoughts that seem to come from God are not answers at all, but only well-intentioned unconscious rationalizations. Even here, the thinking mind is still at work to create havoc in our lives. Remember, we receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our own terms.

The final portion of Step Eleven suggests that after we have asked for knowledge of His will for us, that we then ask for the power to carry it out. To start, we must exercise our willpower and after we have done the footwork, He will supply us with the additional power to carry out His will.

The entire program of Alcoholics Anonymous is spiritual. Step Eleven is where we start to practice the methods that will allow us, if we put forth enough effort, -- persistently, on a daily basis and over a long enough period of time -- to gain a deeper and deeper awareness of God within. This step cannot be bypassed if we are sincerely seeking to gain a spiritual awakening. We will be comforted and granted glimpses of the Kingdom within so long as we try, however falteringly, to find and do the will of God.

The purpose of writing the Eleventh Step is to help us formulate our prayer and meditation techniques so that we can improve our conscious contact with God. In doing this, we learn to pray only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.

The following examples are only guides to help you find which medita¬tive techniques you are comfortable with. You are seeking to improve you conscious contact with God and find the Kingdom within.
IMPROVING YOUR CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD

1. Why is it necessary to improve your conscious contact with God?

2. What are the principal means of improving your conscious contact with God?

3. What does the quote -- There is a direct linkage among (constructive) self- examination, meditation, and prayer -- mean to you?

4. What is the object of meditation and prayer?

5. What does the prayer, found in the Eleventh Step in the 12 & 12, mean to you?

6. Should you take specific requests to God and expect results? What, if any are the hazards involved?

7. Do you give God orders as to what you think His will should be for other people? Why?

8. Do you attempt to get God to do your will? Give examples.

9. Have you discovered that you do receive guidance in your life to just about the extent that you stop making demands upon God? Explain.

10. What are some of the rewards of meditation and prayer?

11. What should you ask God for in your prayers?

12. Is your prayer and meditation practiced throughout the day?
How and why?

13. Do you thank God each night for everything, both good and bad? Why?

14. What technique of meditation and prayer do you use to improve your conscious contact with God?

15. Do you have a strong desire to become one with God? Explain.

16. Why is Step Eleven so important to your recovery process?

17. How are you going to live Step Eleven?


WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101

Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

TENTH STEP

"CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY AND WHEN WE WERE WRONG
PROMPTLY ADMITTED IT"

(From 12 & 12)
1. When we approach Step Ten we commence to put our A.A. way of living to practical use.

2. A continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us.

3. The emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotions -- anger, fear, jealousy, etc., is experienced by us whether drinking or not.

4. The elimination of the emotional hangover requires an admission and correction of errors NOW.

5. Although all inventories are alike in principle, the time factor does distinguish one from another.

a) "Spot-check" inventory is taken at any time of day whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up.

b) The day's-end inventory is to review the happenings of the hours just past.

c) Then there are those occasions, when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual advisor, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time.

6. The emphasis on inventory is heavy only because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal.

7. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.

8. In daily living we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere.

9. Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint; for we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

10. As an insurance against "big shotism" we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.


11. Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent, emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means.

12. The idea that we can be possessively loving of a few, can ignore many, and can continue to fear or hate ANYBODY, has to be abandoned, if only a little at a time.

13. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress, a necessary stimulus to our growth.

14. Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws (motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong) is the essence of character- building and good living.

15. An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try to better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.

(From the Big Book)

1. Step Ten suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along.

2. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.

3. This function is:

a) Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.
b) When present, we ask God at once to remove them.
c) We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed someone.
d) Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.

4. We have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol.

5. What we really have is a daily reprieve (from alcohol) contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

6. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. "How can I best serve Thee -- Thy will (not mine) be done". These are the thoughts which must go with us constantly.

7. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

8. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious.


RECOMMENDED READING
1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), Chp. 6, p. 84, 3rd par. through p. 85, 3rd par.
2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Ten.
TENTH STEP GUIDE

"CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY AND WHEN WE WERE WRONG PROMPTLY ADMITTED IT"
Beginning with Step Four, we commenced to search out the acquired charac¬ter defects that brought us to physical, moral, and spiritual bankruptcy. Step Five allowed us to share with God and another person the exact nature of our wrongs. Step Six and Seven made us aware that God may remove these defects and shortcomings if we are so willing. Step Eight continued the house-cleaning by our listing of all the people we had harmed. In Step Nine we then made those direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others. Thus, if Steps Four through Nine have been completed honestly, then the past has been laid to rest.

Step Ten is concerned with the present and is a maintenance step. The past is done with -- now we are ready to really practice living the princi¬ples of A.A. -- one day at a time. Step Ten will keep us on the straight and narrow and keep us from accumulating wreckage from the present. Howev¬er, in order to do this we must take a daily personal inventory and admit when we are wrong. We will be practicing Steps Four through Nine each day if we are honestly willing to do Step Ten.

The first portion of Step Ten is to "continue to take personal inventory". Although we have a searching and fearless inventory from Step Four, it is not enough. Step Ten suggests that we take a personal inventory daily. The greatest awareness of the acquired character defects and how they still cause havoc in our daily lives is what we are after. The person¬al inventory is of three types. The "spot-check" inventory finds its chief application to situations which arise daily. In these situations, we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, and a willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere. The second inventory, done at the end of each day, allows us to carefully examine our motives in each thought or act. Here we recognize that we did act or think negatively, try to see how we might have done better, resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, and make any amends still neglected. The third type of inventory involves, when we are alone or with our sponsor, a careful review of our progress. This is a periodic house-cleaning, much like the Fourth and Fifth Steps, except we sweep away the wreckage of the immediate past.


The remainder of Step Ten asks us "when we are wrong promptly admit it". This practice will become easier and we become aware that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as fre¬quently wrong. The false self will resist admitting its wrongs. The only way to decrease the control of the false self is to defeat the ego. We can defeat the ego by continually admitting the wrongs done. When we harm others, we must promptly admit it -- to ourselves always -- to others when the admission would be constructive progress. We continually ask ourselves, "Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me -- TODAY"?

In the daily practice of living Step Ten, we are developing self-re¬straint. We can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic. The idea that we can love a few, ignore many, and continue to fear and hate ANYBODY, has to be abandoned. Practicing daily to spot, admit, and correct the acquired defects is the essence of good character building and good living.

The purpose of writing the Tenth Step is to help us acquire the habit of accurate self-appraisal and on a daily basis admitting our wrongs, to ourselves first, and then to others when the admission would be helpful. Our continued sobriety is dependent on how well we practice this step.

Go through the following examples and be as honest and specific as you are able to at this time. You are out to develop self-restraint, honest analysis, willingness to admit your wrongs, and willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere.

1. What does "continued to take personal inventory" mean to you?

2. Explain the three different types of inventories as outlined in Step Ten (12 & 12).

3. Do you think that you have acquired the habit of accurate self-apprais¬al? Why or why not? If not, how do you acquire it?

4. Why is the development of self-restraint our first objective?

5. Are you aware that all people, including yourself, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong? Why?

6. Why is it necessary to spot, admit, and correct our acquired defects of character on a daily basis?

7. How do you grow in understanding and effectiveness? (Big Book, Step Ten).

8. Have you ceased fighting anything and anybody? If not, what or who are you still fighting?

9. Why is it important to promptly admit when you are wrong?

10. For the next week, keep a diary of an accurate self-appraisal for each day. Each day a) list the amends that have been made or are to be made; b) list the defects involved; c) examine your motives in each thought or act; and d) ask God to remove these defects.

11. Why is Step Ten called a maintenance step?

12. How are you going to live Step Ten?


The development of an accurate Self-Appraisal is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY and is an indication of how your program is working for you.

WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101
Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4,1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21,1987

STEP NINE

"MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS".

(From 12 & 12)

1. Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence -- these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.

2. We will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes:

(a) Those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety.

(b) Those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good.

(c) Other cases where action ought to be deferred, and

(d) Still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make a direct personal contact at all.

3. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues (making direct amends) entirely.

4. We may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong.

5. Let us not talk prudence while practicing evasion.

6. We needn't wallow in excessive remorse before those we have harmed, but amends at this level should always be forthright and generous.

7. There can be only one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends or other people.

8. Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid. For the readiness to take full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.

(From the Big Book)


1. It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.

2. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.
3. We are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.

4. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent.

5. In making amends to the wife, we are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated. More than that we cannot do; we have no right to go further.

6. Their (members of the family) defects may be glaring, but chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindness and love.

7. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.

8. Our behavior will convince them more than our words.

9. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.


The Promises:

~We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
~We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
~We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
~No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our
experi¬ence can benefit others.
~That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
~We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
~Self-seeking will slip away.
~Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

~Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
~We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
~We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 6, p. 76, 4th par, through
p. 84, 2nd par.

(2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Nine.


"MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS".

In the preceding step, Step Eight, we compiled a list of ALL the people that we have harmed and also those people that we believed have harmed us. This list contains the names of people that we have harmed, amends for the thing we have done and the exact character defects of the acquired false self which caused physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to these people. After making the list, we then became willing to make these amends.

In the application of Step Nine, we shall need the following qualities -- good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence. Good judgment will suggest that we ought to reflect upon these amends for a time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others. We must be aware of when the time is right, however procrastination may allow us to pass up a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Since we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask God that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. Let us not talk prudence while practicing evasion of making direct amends.

In looking at the list of people we have harmed, we will see that the making of direct amends can fall into four categories. They are:

1) People who ought to be dealt with as soon as possible providing that we are reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety in doing so.

2) People to whom we can make only partial restitution to, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good.

3) People and situations where action ought to be deferred, and

4) Others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

In category one, we are dealing with people that we should make amends to in short order. These are people who are readily accessible. Generally they may include members of our family, employees or employers who we now work with, creditors whom we owe financial amends to, friends and enemies. It is harder to go to an enemy, than a friend, but we will find it much more beneficial to us.

The second category includes people to whom we can make only partial amends. They may include our spouses, ex-partners, former business associ¬ates or friends. Before we make a complete disclosure of the damage done, we must see if this would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends or other people. In situations which might implicate other people, we secure their consent.

Thirdly there will be cases in which action ought to be deferred. It is seldom wise to approach an individual who still smarts from our injus¬tice to him. In some cases, the individual may not be so easy to locate. We must make every effort to locate these people and make our amends.
The last category includes people that we shall never be able to make direct personal contact with. They may include situations with complete strangers or people who are now deceased. In as much as we cannot reach the departed one we can still make amends to the living relatives. If this is impossible we resort to God in prayer, asking Him to forgive us in connec¬tion with these people.

We will be confronted with many obstacles in doing this step. Procras¬tination will stop us, telling us that the right time has not arrived. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging the making of direct amends. Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid. Remember that in most cases we will require a lifetime to complete Step Nine.

Meditation and prayer are necessary in order to make amends. Before making the amend it should be preceded by prayer. Conscious contact with God in the matter of making amends will not only bring about a more satis¬factory result, but can aid us in determining those amends to avoid which might injure others.

The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine. Our behavior will convince those people to whom we are making direct amends more than our words.

If we are painstaking about making direct amends to those people we have harmed, we will be amazed before we are half way through. The prom¬ises, on p. 83 & 84 of the big book, will be fulfilled -- sometimes quick¬ly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

The purpose of writing the Ninth Step is to help us, in an orderly fashion, to "make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others".

Go through the following examples and be as honest and specific as you are able to at this time. You are about to explore an opportunity that will allow you, if you are painstakingly thorough, to put most of the acquired destructive past behind you.

1. What does "making direct amends" mean to you?

2. Why is it important to evaluate those amends that would injure the person to whom we are making direct amends or others involved?

3. Why is prayer and meditation necessary before we make direct amends?

4. Using the list from Step Eight, put the people and the associated amends to be made into the following categories:

a) People who ought to be dealt with as soon as possible.

b) People to whom we can make only partial amends.

c) People and situations where action ought to be deferred.

d) People who we shall never be able to make direct personal contact with.

5. In each of the above categories, now examine each amend in the light of seeing whether a complete disclosure of the damage done will seriously harm the person to whom we are making amends or other people. Identify these in the list above with an asterisk (*).

6. Make a second list of the people and institutions that financial amends are due.

7. Now, referring to the list in 4 & 6, make a reasonable time estimate of when the direct amends can be completed. Write this down on the two lists.

8. How are you going to get the strength and courage to make these direct amends?

9. Why is Step Nine so important to recovery?

10. How are you going to live Step Nine?

11. Which of the promises (big book p. 83-84) have been fulfilled in your life?


The thoroughness of Step Nine is dependent upon you. The making of ALL direct amends will relieve you from the bondage of your past.


RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 6, p. 76, 4th par, through
p. 84, 2nd par.
2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Nine.


WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101

Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

We are getting there, folks!!

STEP EIGHT

"MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAD HARMED, AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL"

1. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory.

2. Steps Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations.

3. Every A.A. has found that he can make little headway in this new adventure of living until he first backtracks and really makes an accurate and unsparing survey of the human wreckage he has left in his wake.

3. To a degree, he has already done this when taking moral inventory, but now the time has come when he ought to redouble his efforts to see how many people he has hurt, and in what ways.

4. The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our
emotions go on the defensive.

6. Moreover, it is usually a fact that our behavior when drinking has aggravated the defects of others.

7. If we are now about to ask forgiveness for ourselves, why shouldn't we start out by forgiving them, one and all?

8. Thinking of people we had harmed and the prospect of making amends to those who
were aware or unaware of being hurt were some of the ways in which fear conspired with pride to hinder our making a list of all the people we had harmed.

9. This attitude of mending relations with a few casual apologies is the end result of purposeful forgetting. It is an attitude which can only be changed by a deep and honest search of our motives and actions.

10. Though in some cases we cannot make restitution at all, and in some cases action
ought to be deferred, we should nevertheless make an accurate and really exhaustive survey of our past life as it has affected other people.

11. It is equally necessary that we extract from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can.

12. Defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate
cause of our woes.

13. We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see these flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole patterns of our lives.

14. To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.

15. Having carefully surveyed this whole area of human relations, and having decided exactly what personality traits in us injured and disturbed others, we can now commence to ransack our memory for the people to whom we have given offense.

16. We shall want to hold ourselves to the course of admitting the things we have done, meanwhile forgiving the wrongs done us, real or fancied. We should avoid extreme judgments, both of ourselves and of others involved.

17. Until we thoroughly clear up the wreckage of our past, it will be very difficult to live in the NOW.

18. Whenever our pencil falters, we can fortify and cheer ourselves by remembering what A.A. experience in this Step has meant to others. It is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and God.

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 6, p. 76, 3rd paragraph.

2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Eight.


EIGHTH STEP GUIDE (Cont.)

"MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAD HARMED, AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL"

In Step Four, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory. If we did Step Four thoroughly, one of the byproducts was a list of most all of the people that we had harmed. Although this list may be incomplete, it will serve as a starting point for us to now use in doing Step Eight.

Having done and now living the preceding seven steps, it should be apparent that we are not only in conflict with ourselves, but also with people and situations. Since both Steps Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations, it behooves us to extract every bit of information about our inner selves and our fundamental difficulties by examining our personal relations.

The first portion of Step Eight is making a list of all persons we harmed. What is meant by "harmed"? Simply, it is the result of instincts in collision (the acquired false self and all its defective shortcomings) which have caused physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to other people. In the process of compiling this list, we backtrack through our lives and make an accurate and unsparing survey of the human wreckage that we have left in our wake. The time has come when we ought to redouble our efforts to see how many people we have hurt and in what ways. As we ponder twisted or broken relationships with other persons, the acquired false self goes on the defensive. Fear, conspiring with false pride, will hinder our making a list of all the people we harmed. But we must expose this negative impulse by making a deeper and more honest search of our motives and ac¬tions.

The other portion of Step Eight is that we become willing to make amends to all persons we had harmed. Once again, willingness on our part is the key word. We are not asking for restitution at this point, only a willingness to make amends. Willingness has to do with forgiveness. In being willing to make amends, we are, in effect, asking other people to forgive us of our trespasses. However, we must first start out by forgiving the people that we have harmed and those who, we felt, had harmed us.

In summary, we carefully survey this whole area of human relations. We further discover exactly what personality traits were acquired that caused us (the acquired false self) to injure and disturb others. In doing this, we commence to ransack the memory for the people whom we have offended. We shall want to hold ourselves to the course of admitting the things we have done, meanwhile forgiving the wrongs done us, real or fancied. Then we become willing, just willing, to make amends to them all.

The purpose of writing the Eighth Step is to compile a list of all the people we had harmed. In doing this, we deepen our awareness of the acquired personality traits that led to defective relations with other human beings. This awareness should then spur us on to become willing to make amends to all persons we had harmed.

Go through the following examples in as thorough and as honest a manner as you can. You are out to get the destructive, acquired false self that has been ruining the personal relationship in your life.


1. What is your definition of the word "harmed"?

2. Do you believe that defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of your woes? If so, briefly describe a few of these defective relationships.

3. Make a list of ALL the people that you have harmed and also those people that you believe have harmed you!

4. Using the list from above, admit the things you have done which caused physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to each person. Write these things beside each persons name.

5. Carefully survey the compiled list of persons and how you harmed them, and then decide exactly what character defects of the acquired false self injured and disturbed them. Briefly note beside each person the defects involved.

6. How are you going to become willing to make these amends?

7. What is the meaning of Step Eight to you?

8. How are you going to live Step Eight?

An accurate and really exhaustive survey of your past life will lead to your eventual freedom from the bondage of self.

DO IT NOW!

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 6, p. 76, 3rd paragraph.
2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Eight.


WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
San Diego, CA 92101

Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

STEP SEVEN

"HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR SHORTCOMINGS"

1. Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.'s Twelve Steps.

2. Instead of regarding the satisfaction of our material desires as the means by which we could live and function as a human beings, we had taken these satisfactions to the final end and aim of life.

3. As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a higher power was out of the question.

4. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing.

5. It was only by repeated humiliations that we were forced to learn something about humility.

6. To get completely away from our aversion to the idea of being humble, to gain a vision of humility as the avenue to true freedom of the human spirit, to be willing to work for humility as something to be desired for itself, takes most of us a long, long time.

7. We may still have no very high opinion of humility as a desirable personal virtue, but we do recognize it as a necessary aid to our survival.

8. During this process of learning more about humility, the most profound result of all was the change in our attitude toward God.

9. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of His help. But now the words, "Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works", began to carry bright promise and meaning.

10. A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted, rather than something we must have.

11. We would like to be assured that the grace of Gad can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

12. We have seen that character defects based upon shortsighted or unworthy desires are the obstacles that block our path toward these objectives (living in peace).

13. The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.

14. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.



15. The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God.

16. The whole emphasis of the Seventh Step is on humility.


17. It is really saying to us that we now ought to be willing to try humil¬ity in seeking the removal of our other shortcomings just as we admit¬ted that we were powerless over alcohol, and came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

18. If that degree of humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope of the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have.

19. When ready, we say something like this:

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellow. Grant me the strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 6, p. 76, 2nd paragraph.

2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Seven.

SEVENTH STEP GUIDE (Cont.)

"HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR SHORTCOMINGS"

In the doing and living of Steps One and Two, a degree of humility, no matter how slight, was necessary when we admitted that we (the acquired false self) were powerless over alcohol and came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity (the True Inner Self). In Step Three humility allowed us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Without humility as our guide, the uncov¬ering and discovering of the acquired character defects (Step Four), along with the admission of the exact nature of our wrongs to God, ourselves and another human being (Step Five), could not have been possible. In Step Six, the readiness to have God remove all these defects of character was once again in proportion to the degree of humility that we had. At least, through doing and living the first six steps, we have attained some humili¬ty in spite of the acquired false self.

In Step Six, we first made a detailed look at the acquired character defects and then proceeded to become ready to have God remove them. Step Seven is similar in nature. Looking at the exact nature of our wrongs, which we are now aware of by having done Step Five thoroughly, should make us eager to be rid of our shortcomings. The key to Step Seven is developing enough humility to ask him to remove these shortcomings, without any reser¬vations whatever.

The whole emphasis of Step Seven is on humility. This step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility, to begin the destruction of the acquired false self. Humility is a part of the True Inner Self (God) which allows us to move from being self-centered to being selfless. This then produces harmony with God and other people. The basic ingredient of all humility is a desire to seek and do God’s will, we humbly asked Him to remove our acquired shortcomings.

Since humility is the basic principle of each of AA’s Twelve Steps, we might ask what is humility? In the past, we associated humility with humiliation. Certainly, each of us had experiences with being humiliated. Also, we may have thought that being humble was a sign of weakness. As we grow in AA’s program, we come to recognize humility as being absolutely necessary to our survival. Humility or the attainment of greater humility, no matter how little of it we may have now, is simply the growing awareness that…”of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works”. Only by a deeper awareness that…of myself I am nothing…can we truly (with genuine humility) ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

The purpose of writing the Seventh Step is to help us become aware of the acquired shortcomings..the ones we must take action on. In doing this, an attainment of a greater degree of humility will come if you are sick of being sick and tired of being controlled by the acquired false self. Only through humility can the true Inner Self start to flow forth.

Go through the following examples in as thorough and as honest a manner as you are willing to at this time. You are after the destructive, acquired false self.

1. What is your definition of the word humility?
2. In what ways have you attained a greater degree of humility?
3. In what ways has your attitude toward God changed since you began to work and live the Steps on a daily basis?
4. What do the words “of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works” mean to you?
5. Do you believe that the chief activator of the acquired character defects has been self centered fear? What are you doing to eliminate this acquired self centered fear?
6. What does “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings” mean to you?
7. How are you going to live Step Seven?
8. Now, using the Seventh Step Prayer as a guide, humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings!

ACTION IS THE KEY TO YOUR SURVIVAL. DO IT TODAY!!!

Recommended reading:
1 Alcoholics Anonymous (Big book) Chapter 6, page 76 second paragraph.
2 Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Seven

With Love,
From the Top of the Hill Gropup
840 17th Street
San Diego, CA 92101

Shared with love,
Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21, 1987

STEP SIX

"WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE
ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER"
1. If we still cling to character defects that we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.

2. We must be capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all our faults -- without any reservation whatever.

3. As we were humbled by the terrific beating administered by alcohol, the Grace of God can enter and expel this obsession to drink.

4. Step Six is A.A.'s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all the character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of the character defects may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement.

5. Practically nobody has the required degree of readiness. The best we can do with all the honesty that we can summon, is to TRY to become "entirely ready".

6. No matter how far we progress, desires, which are of the acquired false self, will always be found which oppose the will of God.

7. What we must recognize now is that we may still be harboring some character defects.

8. When we make a list of still milder defects, we will be obliged to admit that we prefer to hang on to some of them.

9. We want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life.

10. Few of us would think seriously of giving up these defects, at least until the cause us excessive misery.

11. If we gain any real advantage in the use of this step in problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open- mindedness.

12. At the very least, we shall have to come to grips with some of the worst character defects and take action toward their removal as QUICKLY as we can.

13. The moment we say, "No, never!", the thinking mind closes against the will of God....
DELAY IS DANGEROUS, and REBELLION MAY BE FATAL

RECOMMENDED READING
1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), Chapter 6, P. 76, 1st paragraph.2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Six

"WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER"

In doing Step Four honestly, we have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the character defects. Also, after we completed Step Five, the exact nature of our wrongs were then brought out into the open. Using both the lists of acquired character defects (Step Four) and the recognition of our wrongs (Step Five), we are now able to begin Step Six.

Step Six consists of two areas. The first area involves a detailed look at the acquired defects that we are aware of at this point in the A.A. program. These defects range from mild (for example -- telling only half-truths to other people) to severe (for example -- using people and loving things). As we investigate these acquired defects thoroughly, we will be able to list these defects -- ranging from mild to severe. At the very least, we must face up to the severe defects and take action toward their removal and attempt to control them. These severe defects are blocks to our uncovering the True Inner Self. They must be dealt with immediately. The milder acquired character defects may be the ones we enjoy hanging on to. Again, we must recognize these defects that we are "comfortable" with.

The second area of Step Six is becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Readiness is the key to this step. We will need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness. The acquired character defects that we are not as yet, willing to take action on, MAY BE REMOVED if we become willing to ask God to help us be willing. As we apply Step Six to all the acquired character defects, without any reservation whatever, this process expands the degree of readiness. Once again willing¬ness, open-mindedness and honesty are absolutely essential to this step.


At this stage, if we have become aware of the acquired character defects and have the readiness to have God remove them, the question -- will God remove all theses defects -- comes up. Step Six does not mean that we should expect all the defects to be removed as was the obsession to drink. A few of the acquired character defects may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. Once we are aware of the acquired character defects (being part of the false self), then we must exercise self-discipline. Our self-discipline, when applied to the process of patient elimination of these defects, will deepen our aware¬ness that we must ask for God's help in eliminating them. Only through deeper and deeper awareness of God within us, can we hope to conform to God's will.


The purpose of writing the Sixth Step is to help us become aware of the acquired character defects -- the ones we must take action on. Also, this process develops the readiness which is the key for this step.

Go through the following examples in as thorough and honest a manner as you are willing to at this time. You are after the destructive, acquired character defects, both mild and severe.


1. Make a list of all of the acquired defects of character that you are aware of at this time. As a starting point, use the list from Step Four and the exact nature of your wrongs from Step Five. Add to it any new defects that you have uncovered.

2. What does "WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER" mean to you?

3. How am I going to live Step Six on a daily basis?

4. Where do you find the inspiration to have God remove all these defects of character? What pages in Alcoholics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions were inspiring to you in this regard?

5. At this point, identify the assets of your True Inner Self and the liabilities of the acquired self. (The True Inner Self is God and the false self is the acquired character defects).




WITH LOVE
from the Top of the Hill group
840 17th St.
San Diego, CA 92101




NOTE:

The Three major character defects of the alcoholic are:

1. Immaturity \adj : lacking complete development; not yet mature

2. Sensitivity: Subject to excitation by or responsive to stimuli
2. Having power of feeling
3. Of such a nature as to be easily affected

(Lack of sensitivity of others!)

3. Grandiosity: affectedly splendid -- pompous eloquence
imposing




Shared with love, Candy Smith, Oak Harbor, Washington June 4, 1980
Phyllis Brett, Coupeville, Washington June 21,1987

STEP FIVE

"ADMITTED TO OURSELVES, AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS."

Alot of folks have trouble with this one because they are ashamed of what they did in their pasts while drinking and drugging.

1. We must clean our house.

2. The following are checks for when we are NOT LIVING the steps on a daily basis within our lives: fear, negativity, irritability, anxiety, remorse, depression, accusing our friends of the very defects we are trying to conceal and, not living in the now.

3. More realism and more honesty about ourselves is gained by admitting the exact nature of our wrongs to another person.

4. With the help of God and another person, we can be more certain of the fact that we will not be as self-deceived.

5. We must sit down and talk aloud about what we have kept long hidden.

6. The exact nature of our wrongs includes:

a) the pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them.

b) certain distressing or humiliating memories.

c) fearless admission of the acquired defects of character.

d) complete candor (complete honesty) of our conflicts with ourselves, other people, and situations.

e) the recognition of the defective thinking.

f) awareness of the trouble self-delusion was, and still is, causing us.

g) using the written inventory, which was done in Step Four, to find these wrongs.

h) every twist of character.

7. The benefits of doing an honest Step Four and Step Five are: ability to stay sober; sharing of the first accurate self-survey; doing part of the work to allow the Grace of God to enter and expel the acquired destructive obsessions; ridding ourselves of that terrible sense of isolation; beginning of true kinship with God and man; getting the feeling that we will be forgiven no matter what we did; the ability to truly be able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt that they had wronged us; beginning to experience and grow in humility; healing tranquillity; and the beginning of the awareness of the presence of God within our daily lives.

8. At the completion of Step Five, it is suggested that:

a) We remain quiet for and hour and carefully review what we have

done in working and living Steps One through Five.

b) We thank God that we know Him better.

c) We carefully reread Steps One through Five and ask ourselves if we have omitted anything.

In Step Four, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the acquired character defects. The inventory from Step Four, details the acquired character defects which are of the false self. These defects, when the false self controls our lives, allow us to act and react in a manner that causes havoc not only to ourselves but toward other people places and things. It is this inventory of the acquired character defects that forms the foundation for doing Step Five.

Step Five involves the admission of the exact nature of our wrongs. Once again, the wrongs are of the false self. In order to admit these wrongs, we must search in our past. What wrongs are we looking for? We are searching for the acts that we did when we caused harm towards other peo¬ple. We include the problems and character defects which caused or aggra¬vated the reactions toward others. We are after the recognition of our deficiencies. Each twist of character that has been acquired must be illu-minated. Therefore, each wrong, no matter how painful, must be brought up to the surface and honestly looked at. To the extent that we are searching and fearless in finding the exact nature of our wrongs, the rest of the A.A. program will be built on this foundation.

The exact nature of our wrongs, when we have fearlessly exposed them, must then be expressed to God, ourselves and another person. Although we have admitted the exact nature of our wrongs to ourselves and God, the process of clearing away the wreckage of the past is not complete until we have shared these wrongs with another human being. It is only when we include another person in this healing process that we are able to become aware of our own self-delusion. The other person, if carefully chosen, will show us where we have not been totally honest in the digging out of our wrongs. We must be candid, to the best of our ability, with the person and lay out all our wrongs that we are aware of.

After completing Step Five, many benefits will be ready for us if we have done a thorough and honest job. Our ability to remain sober will be increased. Step Five is part of the footwork that allows the Grace of God to enter us and expel the acquired destructive obsessions. No longer will we feel that terrible sense of isolation. The willingness to forgive, not only ourselves but also other people, will be enhanced. This healing tran¬quillity will be a greater awareness of the presence of God within our lives.

The Fifth Step should be written since most of us have many wrongs to uncover. The fact of putting these wrongs in black and white shows us that they are not as big as we had blown them up to be. Also, we will need a reference from which to tell our story. The written inventory of the Fourth Step with the exact nature of our wrongs will help us in making a list of the people we have harmed.

Use the following list to help dig out the exact nature of your wrongs. Remember, you are after the destructive, acquired character de¬fects.






STEP FIVE -- UNCOVERING THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS


1. Explain the differences between Step Four and Step Five and why must Step Four be completed before Step Five is attempted?

2. What is meant by "the exact nature of our wrongs"?
(See Step Five in the 12 & 12).

3. Why must you admit the exact nature of your wrongs to another person?

4. How can you find out if self-deception is present in doing this step?
(See Step Five in the 12 & 12).

5. Why is Step Five so vital to your program of recovery?

6. Use the following areas as a guide to help you jog the memory in uncov¬ering the exact nature of your wrongs. In each area, list the con¬flicts, distressing, humiliating or embarrassing memories, and twists of character that you have kept hidden. When possible, list the persons and your wrongs, and then identify the specific acquired character defect that caused the problem.

a) Family - parents, brothers and sisters, spouses and children, and inlaws, etc.

b) Employment - supervisors and co-workers.

c) Organizations - A.A., hospitals, schools, etc.

d) Relationships with people - men, women, and children.

e) Distressing and humiliating facts - stealing, lying, physical harm, and sexual.

7. Now, using your personal life history, which has uncovered the exact nature of your wrongs (question 6), share this with another person.

8. After sharing with another person, what should you do next? (See last paragraph, p. 75 in Alcoholics Anonymous).

9. What benefits have you received from sharing Step Five?

10. What are you going to do about the exact nature of your wrongs?

11. What is your self-image at this point?

RECOMMENDED READING

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (big book), chapter 6 through page 75.

2) Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step Five.